Momby

I have not been able to write as much as I'd like. I lay in bed at night, writing blog posts in my head, recalling the day and the things I don't want to ever forget. If only my thoughts would just show up as rough drafts.

I find myself feeling like I'm drowning in memories I want to preserve. Instead, housework, hungry babies, and business call to me.

Sawyer has been doing some pretty cute things lately. Between 6:30 p.m. and bedtime, he gets pretty snuggly. He likes to cuddle up to Brynja and me when I am nursing. So he climbed up by us on the couch again, and started singing a song that went something like, "Mommy, momby, mooooooommmmy, MOMMY, mooooooooooomby!" I guess he wrote that song for me. At the end, he took my face in his hands and pressed his lips onto mine. It was a little awkward, and I think he kept kissing on me because I was giggling. He stared right into my eyes as he was kissing me. And when he was finally done, he petted his sissy's head for awhile.

We went to the post office today to mail a small package to my stepmom. He carried the package in with one hand, held my hand with the other, and I was also carrying Brynee in her car seat. When we got inside, he said something like, "Where aaawee?" I said we're at the post office to mail this package. He said, "What izzzit?" I said it's a package for your grandma. He said, "Comma? COMMA! Cooooooommmmaaaaa... where aaaaaaaayooooooo?" I said no honey, she's not here. The package is for grandma, but she's not here. He looked around, puzzled, at the line of people. Then he went up to an older lady and gave her the package, saying, "Herego, comma." I know he knew who I was talking about at first because he was talking about "Poo-O" which is what my dad and stepmom call their dog (poodle). But after he realize they were not there, he thought I meant the package went to any grandma.

I've been so busy in the past few weeks, as I recently became an independent Scentsy consultant. I love that Sawyer enjoys smelling the scent testers with me.

I took down Brynee's bassinet today. Packed it up for the next baby. She's growing up so fast; they both are. I have to think about moving her out of our room at some point, which means moving Sawyer out of his crib so she can use it.

I plan to do a post about Sawyer turning 2... hopefully I have time for that this week.

I really wish I could freeze my kids at their various stages so I could have them at all their ages of life. Someday my arms will be empty. It must be tiring for people to read about how I'm always sad that my babies are growing older. I really need to work on releasing them to God.

My Fabulous Photographer

I have the most amazing photographs in the past few years thanks to my highly talented photographer, who also happens to be a very dear friend. So blessed to have this girl in my life. The first five photos from my post earlier today were taken by the lovely and talented Stacy Kron, along with the photo on my header and sidebar.

You can check out her blog post from Brynja's newborn photos, along with the rest of her work, right here.

About A Girl

As I've mentioned before, Brynja means "armor." I loved being able to give my daughter a name that has a strong meaning.

Ephesians 6:13 says:
Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ever since the day I found out I was having a girl, I've prayed that the Lord would protect her. That she would one day put on the full armor of God, and that she would grow up to also protect those who need protection.

At this point, Sawyer feels the need to protect his "Brynee." He gets very anxious, often times to the point of tears, when someone who he isn't very familiar with is holding his baby sister. Just this morning when we were at our family music class, he was engaged in a song across the room from where I was sitting near Brynee, who was lying on a blanket. Another little boy started coming towards her to say hello. Sawyer took notice and ran across the room. He got between her and the little boy, put his hands over her as if to shield her, and told the boy "STOP." Of course I explained to Sawyer that the boy was our friend and that he wanted to say hello. Sawyer cautiously allowed the boy to say hello to Brynee, but stood by carefully watching over his sissy.

Having a daughter is already different to me. When Sawyer was born, I felt proud of him, but I knew I would be raising him to let him go. When Brynja was born, while I felt the same things to an extent, I felt like she was the treasure of our family. I love both of my babies so deeply, and I do not love one more than the other. But having a daughter feels different than having a son. It is difficult for me to articulate why.

When Brynja had her 2 month appointment, her doctor was sharing that her children were about the same age difference, a boy then a girl just like my kids. It was so interesting to me, because it seems that she feels the same way I do about her children. She adores both of them, but the relationship is different. Her daughter is 11 and her son is 13. About her daughter, she said, "When she is at school and I'm here it work, I physically long for her."

I was always so afraid of having a daughter. I was an awful daughter to my parents during my teenage years. I figured if I ever had a daughter of my own, I would pay for that; after all, what goes around, comes around. I am sure that there will be challenges with all of my children, and who they will be, their personalities, etc. remains to be seen. But I will endure it and raise them the best I can with help from the Lord. I no longer fear it (because what's the point in worrying now?). I am just so very grateful to have the privilege to be their mama.

Back to Brynee. Right now, at 3 months old, she is certainly sugar and spice, and everything nice. She is so very sweet. Smiley, laid-back, rarely makes a fuss. Wakes up happy, sleeps a lot. Loves her big brother and anyone else who stops to talk with her.

It is so fun watching the interaction between my two children. Sawyer, ever the doting and protective brother. And she gazes at him with adoration. Of course they will have their moments, I'm sure, but the prayer of my heart is that their relationship will always be like this at the core.

Psalm 127:3-4
Children are a heritage from the LORD,
offspring a reward from him.
Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are children born in one’s youth.

Story Time

Okay, so the NEXT POST will be expanding off of yesterday's "Reviving an Abandoned Blog." Stay tuned.

I need to start writing down the things Sawyer does and says... he can be quite entertaining, and sometimes he can be so tender and sweet.

Bedtime has always been special for us. When Ryley is home, we like to both be part of the bedtime routine. Before bedtime and naps, I always sit down in the rocking chair while Sawyer picks out his "bookey."

His favorite books are, "Little Blue Truck," "Big Red Barn," "Bear Snores On," and "Pouch."

I remember when I was pregnant with him, and people were telling me which books I had to get... mostly ones that they said would make me cry. Like "Guess How Much I Love You," and "I Love You More." While they are very nice books, they have never made me cry.

There is one book, however, that I tear up for every time. It's called, "Tiny Bear's Bible." We read that book tonight. Beautifully and simply written about the love God has for us. Here's an excerpt:

"I am with you always" Mark 10

God made a promise-
So you know that it's true-
"I'll always, always be with you!"
No matter what, no matter where
Yes, God is with us, tiny bear.
He'll never leave us - day or night.
He's always with us - yes, that's right!

Anyway, there was an illustration in the book that depicted Daniel and the lions. So I pointed to David, "Who's that?" Sawyer replied, "It's a papa!" I point to the lions - "What are those?" Sawyer says, "It's bears." I say, no baby, those are lions. So he says, "Is... lyyyy-ons." Then I point to the angel, asking him who that is. He pauses... he asks, "Who... is it?" So I said, "That's an angel. Can you say angel?" He slowly replies, "Cheese - ball."

Reviving an Abandoned Blog

The past 3 months have been a blur. I feel like I'm still waiting to start life as a family of four, because my husband hasn't been around much. But we are looking forward to hibernating with our papa for the winter... harvest is so close to being over now. Although the past 3 months seem to have slipped by me, they have been 3 very wonderful months.

As I sit here sipping my apple spice tea on an overcast autumn day, enjoying the scent of "pumpkin marshmallow" mixed with "home sweet home" (I love Scentsy!) while my babies sleep, I would like to leave you with this entry from my private journal, as it is a good introduction to my next post:


Monday, January 24, 2011 - New Baby GIRL!

About an hour ago, at a little under 16 weeks gestation, I found out I am to have a daughter. I will not lie, I was taken aback. I had a small hope that Sawyer would have a brother close to his age. Although I did have a feeling we would be blessed with a girl.

I've always wanted a house full of boys; I just thought it'd be easier that way. Then I could be the only "emotional" one in the house. I already know what it's like to care for a baby boy. I had dreams of watching two boys, in consecutive grades, playing sports on the same team. But it looks like it's not to be... although an ultrasound is more likely to be wrong on a girl.

Now I must think of girl names. I've been busying my mind with thoughts of a boy.

But I know that this child is a blessing, that she was meant to be my daughter and be my second born. I think I've been afraid of having a mother/daughter relationship; I feel inadequate, as I do not have my own mom here to model what that should look like. I know I was an awful, ungrateful daughter who took my mother for granted. And I'm afraid that I will suffer the same fate as her.

And now, I am already praying for the knowledge to raise a gentle and compassionate daughter, wise beyond her years who knows the Lord at a young age. With God, I can do this.

I feel like this will be another step in this healing process of losing my mom. Though my daughter's life is not about that.

One thing I do know is that I love her, even though I have my fears.

Joy

It has been a disappointing week for us when it comes to business. The biggest disappointment came when the overnight low dropped below freezing, which obviously is not good for our crops. Which is worse than not good. I'll skip the depressing details.

I'm grateful that Ryley can delight in his son when he comes home from a disappointing week at work. The burden he feels to provide is heavier since we have children now. But I think his heart is lighter when he sees them smile. I feel so blessed that while all of Ryley's hard work this year may not pay off to the extent he had hoped, he will not let that steal his joy. And I am so glad my husband can recognize his many blessings and give thanks to the Lord in the midst of business ventures looking poor.

And of course, I'm grateful for the little boy who can make my husband's worry disappear with a flash of his smile.

Better Days

It was an emotional day for me. Brynja suddenly transformed from my sleepy, easy baby... to one who wanted lots of attention from 11:00 a.m. to 9:00 p.m. with nothing more than a few catnaps. All I had time for was meeting everyone's basic needs, with the exception of myself. I am eating cucumbers and popsicles for supper as I type because I am too tired for anything else.

It broke my heart to not be able to give my babies my full attention today. Brynja was not happy unless she was being held, and Sawyer was constantly pulling on my hand to go play with him. I did not enjoy leaving Brynja upstairs to cry while I was tucking Sawyer in for the night. And I tried hard not to hurry through bedtime. Sawyer did well considering he was somewhat on his own. But this mama did not.

Ryley and I had a conversation a few nights ago about more babies. I am so blessed to have a husband who shares my desire to have more than two children. But after a day like today, I'm just not sure. Will I be able to give more than 2 or 3 children enough attention to do a good job as a mother?

I'm just praying that tonight is a restful one, and that my heart will be open to whatever God wants to teach me tomorrow.

It's a girl!

Brynja Dawn was born on Saturday, July 23rd at 12:27 p.m. She was 7 pounds 14 ounces, 21 1/2 inches.

My midwife broke my water a little after 9:3o a.m., and contractions quickly followed so I did not need to be induced. Ryley and I walked down to the kitchen and I had some strawberry ice cream and peanut butter toast along with some milk. I stopped in between eating to rock back and forth during contractions. About 45 minutes into it I was no longer able to carry on a conversation. The amazing nurse Julie helped me into the tub where I labored for another hour or so to some relaxing music. Things got so intense and I just couldn't catch my breath. I remember the midwife and the nurse asking me questions and I just couldn't respond or couldn't think beyond the pain. I was glad to be able to labor in the water, but I got overheated and got out when I was starting to feel the urge to push.

I really loved that the midwife never checked to see if I was dilated after she broke my water. She just told me to listen to my body. I remember feeling uncertain and wanting more direction, but finally I gave in to what nature was doing and began to push. She was out in less than 15 minutes.

My brain was not able to wrap itself around the idea that it was over. I continued to brace myself for more contractions while my sweet baby girl was lying on my chest. I finally collected myself to ask if anyone told Ryley if it was a boy or a girl. I had known since January that we were to have a daughter, but he wanted to be surprised. The midwife said, "Why don't you have a look, Ryley?" He leaned over and said, "Yep, it's a boy." I snapped my neck in his direction... thinking "could it be?" But the midwife quickly said, "You better check again." And so it was, that Ryley finally had the daughter he has been hoping for.

We had discussed mostly boy names throughout the pregnancy since Ryley was thinking it would be a boy. But when it came to girl names, we each had a name that we were stuck on. And neither of us seemed willing to budge.

I actually came upon the name "Brynja" an hour before we left for the hospital. We had the name "Bryn" on our long list of girl names, but it just wouldn't work for me since the middle name would be "Dawn" after my late mother. "Bryn Dawn Blair," all one syllable names - I was not feeling that. Anyway, "Brynja" is a Scandinavian name that means "armor."

Sweet Brynja is 3 1/2 weeks old now, and we are settling into a new normal. She is such a blessing. I spent years worrying that I would be stuck with a daughter someday, but of course I knew that if I ever had one I would think back to how naive that was. I just love how God plans everything out for us, and while that doesn't mean life will be easy, I feel so loved that He planned this baby girl to be our daughter. We are in love with her, almost as much as big brother Sawyer is! And Sawyer is finally starting to warm back up to me, too... he was not a fan of mine since she was born.

Pancakes

Here's a homemade pancake recipe that I love. I thought I'd post it for safekeeping and to share.

Just-Like-Restaurant Fluffy (Non)Buttermilk Pancakes (makes 8-10 pancakes):

• 1 cup milk
• 1 Tbls white vinegar
• 1 1/4 cup white flour
• 1/4 cup sugar
• 1 tsp baking soda
• 1 Tbls oil
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 1 egg

Directions:

• Pour the milk and vinegar into a small bowl, allow it to sit for a few minutes. This is your buttermilk substitute.
• Meanwhile, pre-heat a skillet over medium-low heat.
• Combine all of the dry ingredients into a bowl and stir.
• Add the egg to the milk bowl, gently mix together. Then pour all of the liquid into the flour bowl.
• Mix the wet and dry ingredients together until most of the lumps are out.
• Lightly grease the pan and pour about 1/4 cup of batter for each pancake. Allow them to cook slowly (it will take a few minutes) and flip once the bottom is golden and the edges start drying out. Once they have been flipped they won’t take long to finish cooking, maybe another minute or so.

The End is Near

Today was a roller coaster sort of day. I was up around 5:00 a.m., restless with no signs of labor. I took a bath and started getting ready for the day. Then, I had a strong indication of my body making progress in the preparation to give birth. Not a telltale sign like water breaking or intense contractions, but a definite, indisputable event nonetheless. (I try not to give too much information in case there are any gentleman reading)

With my patience renewed by this event, I decided that Sawyer and I would hitch a ride with him on his way to work. He dropped us off at his mom's, where his sister and our new niece are visiting. I became an aunt on June 28th, and I still hadn't met sweet baby Blair since they live a few hours away and we thought I'd be giving birth shortly after. Anyway, we had a sweet morning getting acquainted with Blair and visiting with my sister-in-law and mother-in-law. Sawyer even got brave enough to give Blair a kiss. I didn't use my camera, and I'm kicking myself for that now!

Ryley picked us up and we headed home. Sawyer went down for a nap, and shortly after I headed to the clinic for another appointment with my midwife. I arrived a few minutes before the scheduled time. I watched other patients arrive, 3 of them pregnant (but not as far along as me), and they all continue to get called back for their appointments. 35 minutes later, and I am fighting to hold back my tears of frustration. I was having contractions (like I've been having on and off for 2 weeks), I was very uncomfortable, and I am starting to give into the exhaustion. I feel like I have been fighting a mental breakdown for the last few days.

I finally get called back and it is near impossible to hold back my tears. My blood pressure was quite a bit higher than it had been. Jeanie (the midwife) walked in and said, "It's time to be done now, isn't it?" She didn't expect me to still be pregnant. 16 days overdue now. She said even if I was still trying to be patient, it's time to put a date on the calendar for an induction.

I was 4 1/2 cm dilated today and over 80% effaced. She said she would expect labor to start within 24 hours of what happened this morning. But just in case, she called the hospital and argued with the charge nurse about getting me an induction date.

She explained to me that many practitioners call the hospital 1-2 months ahead of their patients' due dates, and often they schedule the induction dates for 1-3 weeks before the due dates. So many of the inductions occurring this week are women who were due a month AFTER me. Being of similar philosophy to myself about labor and delivery, this frustrates her that someone who wants nature to take its course... and then it doesn't... has a hard time getting in to the hospital ASAP.

My midwife was willing to come in on a weekend to induce me, and she managed to get me on the calendar for this Saturday, July 23rd. So at the latest, I will be in labor about 36 hours from now.

Still praying that this baby starts to come on its own. But I was so grateful that I left Jeanie feeling empowered, encouraged, and cared for. And even excited for the chance to have my birth plan carried out. She told me that even if things don't go how I had hoped, even if I need to be induced via pitocin, she said, "I will get you through this" and it will be as close to my goals as she can get it. It's so good to feel understood at this point in my pregnancy, and to know I am in the care of someone who genuinely is doing just that... caring.

Can't wait to hold you in my arms, sweet baby of mine.

Stuck

Sawyer is obsessed with the concept of being (and the word) "stuck." He tries to get things stuck just so he can talk about how it is "stuck."

Tonight at supper, we were talking to him about life (haha) when I had a contraction and I placed my hand on my belly. He noticed and started saying, "It's a baby. A baby. That's mama's baby." So I asked him, "Do you want a baby brother or a baby sister?" He replied with, "Nawwwww." I asked him, "Would you like to see the new baby soon?" He said, "Nawwww. Stuck. It's stuck."

Stuck, indeed.

Tick Tock

Every day, I wake up amazed that I've gone this long being pregnant. And I wonder what the baby is waiting for. Is he/she waiting for the excessive heat wave to pass... with heat indexes in the 110-115 F range? Or maybe it knows that my best friend Emily's daughter, Carli, is sick and the baby wants Emily to be there like we originally planned? Now Sawyer is sick, he was up in the night a few times... shaking with pain from diarrhea :( ... what a good baby sibling to let him have all my attention. Maybe the baby is waiting for our friends, the Timms, to be back from their vacation in Canada?

Well I doubt the baby knows any of these things are going on. Except maybe it hears that Sawyer has been crying a lot and feels him sitting on its "womb hut" since Sawyer has been wanting more snuggle time.

I went to the doctor right away yesterday morning. I was dilated to a tight 4 cm and effaced 80%. Baby was very high, just like Sawyer was. I guess my body wasn't designed for a baby to drop. The doctor took some measurements via ultrasound, and estimated the baby to be right around 8 pounds. I am still planning to deliver with a midwife, but she wasn't available yesterday. It was nice to be able to have those measurements done for my peace of mind, at least. But she said she thought I was in the early stages of labor, and I thought that, too. Well, it's 24 hours later and I'm not feeling much going on anymore.

It is getting more challenging to wait. I have another appointment tomorrow with my midwife. If you are reading this, please pray that I don't make it to my appointment... and that I see her at the birthing center instead.

Impatience

A woman is meant to be pregnant for 38-42 weeks. They take 40 weeks as the midway point for a "due date." So often these days, if a woman goes 1 day past 40 weeks, the immediate question is: when will she be induced?

With Sawyer, I went 41 weeks and 3 days. While I believe I was going into labor, I arrived at the hospital and my water was broken to speed things up. Was there a medical reason for this? One that was in the best interest of me or Sawyer? I do not believe in interventions if it is simply to accommodate the schedule of the doctor or to cater to the impatience of the mother-to-be.

Now I am not judging what other people choose to do by any means. I know there are sometimes good reasons for interventions (inductions, c-sections, medications, etc.) and thank God that we have access to those if it helps. But it seems to me that inductions often just cater to the "I want it now" attitude in this society. I know if I went to the doctor today and she said we should induce tomorrow, I would be very tempted.

Anyway, last night I felt like things were starting. I packed my bag, Ryley called his parents so they could be on alert to come stay with Sawyer, and then I went to bed. I slept fairly well, but woke up at 7:00 a.m. to a kink in my neck and a baby still in my womb.

Great. REALLY?!?!

But just when I needed it, the Lord provided for me. An encouraging word from a few friends, and even one who had had a dream about me last night that I believe was from God.

And then my sweet Sawyer woke up. With all his chatterings and how happy he was to see his breakfast and just have another day... it's hard to stay impatient all day long. Because this moment with him will never happen again, and holding our new baby in my arms will come when it's supposed to.

While We Wait

So here are some photos of what we've been up to in the past few weeks while we wait for our brand new family member. I have my moments where I am tired of waiting, but then I remember the work ahead of me in childbirth and beyond. That makes me just enjoy the moment we're in... and it's a very sweet time in our lives!

I had to get a photo of Sawyer and I rocking with him on top of his baby sibling.

Our backyard... after our first date night in 3+months (and last one for awhile!).

Playing downstairs.

Busy with photo ops in front of our home :)

At the beach - less than a mile from our house!

Busy feeding the pig and playing with the dogs... we also inherited 2 horses.

Spending time with friends - we've had lots of opportunities for that. We love having "real life" friends since we live close to town now!

Getting ready for a dip in the pool.

Spending time outside on the covered deck during a thunderstorm. (Sawyer enjoyed growling back whenever it thundered)

Cleaning!

I had an appointment with my midwife a few days ago. My fingers and toes are a bit swollen, but overall she was pleased that my ankles, face, etc. have not retained fluid. My blood pressure was good, baby's heart beat is strong and within the normal range (I think it was 148 bpm). Today I am 41 weeks and 4 days pregnant. My midwife does not feel that baby is getting too big or that there is a reason to discuss induction at this point. I am praying that my water will break on its own so I know I'm in labor, and that I will be able to deliver this baby by water birth. I hope I can have more control this time in managing my pain. The last time I was in labor, I just laid on my side all day, completely inside myself with pain. But I did it without any pain medication, so I know I can do that again this time.

Ryley and I were discussing the details of my birth plan the other day. We compared our perspectives of Sawyer's birth, and I gave him tips on how he can support and encourage me this time since I am not brand new at it. This discussion occurred while I was giving him a haircut. He was about 2 months overdue... it looked like he was aspiring for a mullet. There was a pause in conversation as I finished up the back and sides with the electric clippers. Then he said, "All I know is I sure hope you don't go into labor while I have this half-haircut." I laughed so hard that I thought my water broke, and I had to go inside to make sure.

The other night when I was saying, "When... WHEN will this baby be born?" and we were talking about how people keep asking us, Ryley decided he was going to start saying, "We're trying for the New Year's baby... I heard you can get free diapers and stuff."

We have been in our new house for 1 month today. So there is not a shortage of projects to keep me busy while I wait for the baby. I did wash up some clothes, set up the bassinet, and pack my hospital bag. So today's project is starting to catch up on the accounting and paper work for Ryley's businesses, which has been neglected for the past 2 months because of moving.

Ryley has been busy with his agriculture businesses, as usual. His crops were looking great with all the warm weather and consistent rains. Then we had a storm come through earlier this week with some very strong winds, and Ryley ended up losing some of his corn crop. Snapped the corn stalks right off. Usually with a strong wind, the corn will get bent and there is a production loss. He was disappointed, but he knows by now that God will always take care of us. Five summers of growing his own crops and the stress it involves... he is learning to trust God's plan more every year, and for that I am grateful. In other agri-business news, his uncle is on his way to Arizona for the first of two trips to pick up two balers that Ryley has purchased. Ryley has been looking for a particular baler for a few years now, and his dad happened to find two that had been repossessed. I know he's very excited to finally have one... I mean TWO! So he will potentially keep both and do some custom baling, or he will look at reselling one of them.

I have recently been introduced to a product that I am so excited about, so I am also thinking about becoming a representative for that product. I don't have big dreams to make a pile of money selling this stuff, but I am passionate about it and if nothing else I'll get a discount on what I use. Putting that off, though, until after we get settled into a routine as a family of four. More on that in the future!

Sawyer has been busy making us laugh and being a little clingy. His Grandma Deb said last night that she thinks he knows there's a change coming. He has become a bit demanding, but we are learning to discipline him consistently and while he continues to test us, he is usually compliant. His vocabulary is expanding every day, and he chatters quite a bit about things. If we can't understand him, we encourage him to explain it again or else we just play along. He loves to talk about cows and tell us about how they say moo. He talks a lot about his doggies, and he really loves being outside with them, too. He loves corn on the cob... just like his mama. Ryley hasn't been eating corn on the cob when I make it for supper anymore... I think he just likes to sit back and watch Sawyer and me devour it while he makes fun of us.

Anyway, that's what we've been up to. Loving life and marveling at how God has blessed us... which is so easy when life is going great. I am just praying that we will feel just as strongly when we go through another valley in life.

Still Expecting.

I was not anxious to have the baby until yesterday afternoon. I don't know why I started feeling this way... maybe it's because I actually started getting ready. I set up the bassinet in our room, washed some clothes, even packed my hospital bag thanks to my friend Emily who arrived from Fargo on Monday. I thought it would happen soon when she arrived since I am past the 40 week mark. But nothing seems to be happening; no indications that it'll be soon.

I had some false labor over the past week. Painful contractions that would make it near impossible for me to move around. But obviously those episodes subsided, and left me frustrated because I would think "this is it" and it wasn't. I know these things happen, but I feel like I should know better now since this isn't my first pregnancy.

Anyway, today I'm just trying to concentrate on getting my chores done. And having a better attitude. Because life is good, and even if it wasn't, God is always good. And life will never be the same as it is now.

Baby of Mine

How I'm feeling right now... it's complicated. Physically, I feel "arthritic" at times which is likely due to excess fluid in my joints. But I continue to sleep well compared to most pregnant women who are full-term, and overall I can't complain because I know what some women go through.

Emotionally, I know I am so close to this blessed experience of giving birth again. And I know the love that I will feel for this baby might be so great I fear my heart will break since I love my Sawyer so much. But there's a melancholy, too... things won't be the same anymore. It won't be life with just Sawyer, and things are bound to be more busy (duh).

Life is so sweet right now, I feel like I should pinch myself. Life at our new home is wonderful. We fill our days with visiting friends and attending activities, and normal family stuff like playing in the pool, going to the beach, and riding the ATV. Cooking dinner, bedtimes, mowing the lawn... everything is a little bit sweeter at our new house. Sawyer and Papa have lots of room to run and play inside and out. I try to do some of that, too, but it gets challenging sometimes. I am generally not a huge fan of summer because of the heat, but this is one of the best summers of my life so far. And while of course, a new baby will make it that much more memorable, it makes me a little sad that I won't have the same amount of freedom to take Sawyer to the beach or travel to see friends.

I am probably more scared of childbirth this time around. Minutes after Sawyer was born, I looked at Ryley and said, "I'd do this again," even though it was not my ideal experience. This time around, I have switched to a midwife in hopes that I will get more support and due to the fact that her birthing philosophy is closer to my goals (natural vs. lay in bed and get meds). I am also hoping to have my dearest friend there with me, and I know she wants to help me create the best birth experience possible. My main objective in this delivery is to make it as easy as possible on baby and me, which I hope to accomplish through a water birth.

I have just started to get things ready for the baby, and I still have to pack our bags. It is so ridiculous that I would feel sad or hesitant at all about becoming a mama of two, especially when I think of my sweet friends who would love to have pregnancy come this easy. But I have to be honest. Just like my last pregnancy, I look forward to meeting this precious child of mine, but I am enjoying what my life looks like in this moment before I meet him or her.

I find myself thinking a lot about what it was like when I met Sawyer... and every bit of worry I have about the new baby melts away when I watch the slideshow of his first year.

Our Home

We have been in our new home for 2 1/2 weeks now. It truly feels like where we belong, and I have resolved to never take this blessing for granted. While this home suits our immediate and future needs and desires for growing our family, it is obviously not a mansion, but it is truly everything we could hope for. While I am obviously very fond of this house, I have also resolved to take good care of it but not pour my heart into it. I want to treat it as a place where people can gather, where I can show hospitality and share memories with extended family, friends, and even strangers. I want to hold our home loosely in my hands, palms facing up so that the Lord can do as He pleases. While this is not a "dream home" to most people, it is perfect for my family.

These photos are from the original listing, and I will maybe put more up as we continue to get settled and decorate to our own taste. Feel free to invite yourself over anytime! We love company, and we are greatly enjoying the proximity to our friends!

Blogging Insecurities

He likes to have his snacks sitting on his doggy pillow pet.

He's a fan of peaches.

To those of you who have a blog, do you ever have something to say or share but you never do it because you are afraid of how it might be perceived? I struggle with this a lot. Being honest with my feelings, yet still being deemed likeable. I don't want to be self-absorbed or prideful or whiney. I know I read other people's blogs and sometimes I think to myself, "Really? Is that how you are?" (no one I know personally, so I'm probably not talking about you) And so, I also have a "private blog" set up for writing the truths about my life and feelings that are too dark or controversial for the public.

I also want to be interesting, and write about other things that matter outside of my family. Like the bigger picture, you know? I want to have stuff about cooking or baking, or about politics (Herman Cain for President!) or faith or culture. Besides just how many teeth Sawyer has or what words he's saying. Because that can get old for some people.

I was introduced to a blog less than 2 weeks ago... and granted I haven't read back in her older entries. She is a friend of a friend of a friend, and I feel like I walked with her through her great tragedy of losing her 6-month old son, Owen. But she is brutally honest about how she feels, yet she gives glory to the Lord in so much of her writing. Go HERE for the first post of her tragedy. I feel like I am still carrying a burden around for this woman because I was reading her updates real-time while they happened.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'd like to be less selfish. Like when I was all worried about where we would live and if I would get the house I wanted. I found myself telling my worries to a friend... who is waiting to bring home her two precious daughters from Haiti. Seemed like what I was going through was so very small and insignificant compared to her beautiful daughters in an orphanage. Although she very gracefully reminded me that I shouldn't compare the worries of my life to someone else's... which again made me grateful that I have a God who cares about my small little problems. And friends who care, even if what they're going through is greater than what is going on in my life. I really want to be a better friend to my current friends, and love on people that I don't necessarily like because of my sinful nature. This is me, opening the door for Jesus to flood into those ugly spots in my heart!

Best June So Far?

Before I start the point of this entry, above is a photo from the trip we took to Jamaica in March; I was just under 6 months pregnant. It was a lovely holiday, but 8 nights was a little too long for me to be away from Sawyer.

We will be moving in 2 weeks. We are very much forward to living in Alexandria, instead of 20 minutes out. Although we will very much miss being so close in proximity to Ryley's parents and lots of extended family. Remember my last entry? That dream home... worked out! It looks like it was meant to be; after I struggled with releasing the idea of living there and finally let it go, the sellers started actually negotiating with us. Our new home is on over 20 acres, and it's a larger home... we will be able to comfortably raise a large family there. We are so excited for the change in lifestyle... the country, room to roam for our whole family (including the dogs), and an abundance of space to host family and friends. Now keep in mind that my idea of the ideal home is quite humble, but with that in mind I truly feel like this is our dream home!

Now I am just hoping that this baby, due in 4 weeks, will in fact wait for 4 weeks!

Here's some recent photos of us:


I love his blue eyes! While people often default that he looks like me because of his fair coloring, I can tell he gets his most handsome features from Ryley, like his large eyes and cute nose.


Sawyer has just turned 19 months old. He is quite the character. I think we have a good handle on disciplining him so far... of course, he loves to test those boundaries, but he is usually compliant as we strive to be consistent with him. I think he is very independent... he gets very upset when we try to help him eat. We can tell he has the "I want to do it by myself" mentality.

He loves to give hugs and kisses. Sometimes it borders on awkward for me... the way he will hold my face and press his mouth against mine for a very long time, then pull back only to go right back in for another kiss. He thinks it's a fun game to go back and forth between kissing me and Ryley.

He loves his dogs, but he very much understands that he is higher on the totem pole than they are. He kisses and hugs them, but in the next moment he's commanding them to "sit down" and "no no no." He points his finger at them when he is giving them orders. He also likes to pull Macy around by her collar... and the poor girl is so submissive that she cowers, thinking she's in trouble.

Sawyer loves to look at picture books, as I suppose most children do at this age. He loves to go to the farm and see the cows, saying "hi cows" and "it's a moo!" He has been able to ride in some of the very large tractors this spring without me! I've dropped him off a few times with Ryley while I've run to town, and he sits in the seat very nice. He thinks everything (pickups, tractors, balers, diggers, planters, loaders) is a "car."

He loves to be outside. As I'm writing this, actually, he has a pile of his little size 4 shoes at my feet, and he's trying to put them on me, saying "Let's go! Let's go!" I think his favorite thing in the world, though, are balls. He loves to play catch or some weird form of hockey: where he gathers balls and then hits at them with his bat or any stick that's handy. He is also very good at following directions, picking up small particles of dust and putting them in the garbage, and picking up his toys.

As far as his speech goes, he can say (besides the aforementioned) "puppy," "ball," "baby," "where'd it go?," "please," "outside," and a host of other chatterings. He says "kitty," "cookie," and "turkey," all of which sound like "KEE." Mostly he's talking about cookies. He talks and talks, but I can't always understand what he says. One funny, consistent thing he does... when he is on the changing table, I points to either my round belly or my jugs and says, "baby," but more often than not he says that my jugs or my baby belly is a "ball" or "puppy." He's also very expressive with his hands when he talks, which makes me wish I would have taught him some sign language.

I think every day that this must be the best time in my life... being a fairly young mother of a young child. While my life certainly has its share of minor trials and tribulations, I can't help but feel deeply loved by my Lord and Savior. This is my earthly life... I would have never dreamed that it would be so richly blessed. My cup truly runneth over.

So yes, back to the idea that this might be the best June of my life so far. I turn 29 within the week, move into our new home, and we will celebrate 7 years of marriage. We will also potentially meet our 2nd child, and also our first niece or nephew! A very blessed June, indeed!

Overwhelmed

It has been such a long time since I wrote on my public blog. Life has been overwhelming for me in that there are so many things up in the air right now. Throughout the past 3 months we have been working on business deals for Ryley that seemed solid one day and gone the next. Thankfully that has been worked out as of this week.

Our house of five years, which was up for sale for about 2 months back in August, was put back on the market in April. We received an offer 5 days later. Given the current real estate market, we were surprised and excited. Especially since we had found the perfect house one week prior to that offer. After an inspection and then an extension of the inspection contingency which kept me on pins and needles, it looks like we will close on the sale of our house in mid-June.

The dream home... didn't work out. It wasn't that we couldn't afford the asking price, but it was the fact that the sellers are above a realistic price in this market and would not budge after 3 weeks of offers and counter offers.

We set out to sell our house because we wanted to upgrade and to get out of town. We have good neighbors, but we don't want neighbors this close anymore. We knew we would have to take less than the price we purchased it for in order to sell it, but we stood to gain more on a house worth twice or three times more.

That was the only home on the market that met our needs with the idea of making it our last move through our child rearing years.

I have about 7 weeks left until my due date. No place to call home. It is not easy to find a house to rent in this area without signing a 12-month lease and shipping our dogs off temporarily.

I fluctuate between panic, ignorance, laziness, urgency... I realize that it would be very nice to at least be settled somewhere before this baby comes. But I find it hard to stay on task and focus the rare spurts of energy into being productive.

All I have to cling to is the hope that someday I will look back and see that all this emotional distress got us to a better place. I hope that better place is a house that truly feels like home, where I will raise all my babies and welcome grandchildren one day. But maybe where we're going isn't the perfect home. Maybe there is another purpose to it all. So I try not to wonder what it might be or worry in the meantime... I will try just to enjoy the ride and not let the unknowns get in the way of the precious moments in life. Like how my son will sometimes hold my face and kiss me so long that it starts to get awkward (for me, but not him). Or the moment when I will hold this next baby in my arms and introduce Sawyer to his sibling, and how Ryley will finally get the surprise of finding out the sex of this child when he or she is born.

At least God knows where we're going.

God is So Good

Life has been "busy," as it is for everyone in just about every stage of the game. For me, it has been a season of growth... both physically and emotionally. Back in early October, I was busy planning Sawyer's birthday party as well as making plans for a late winter vacation with my very best friend and our husbands to Jamaica. We booked the vacation, and Sawyer's birthday was at the end of October. 4 days after his birthday on November 2nd, I was at home that day and found out in the afternoon that I was expecting. Ryley was busy combining his corn not far from our house. I packed Sawyer up and drove out to find him, sure to bring the test along. I was a bit nervous because I thought he might be a little disappointed since we wouldn't be going on our tropical vacation anymore. When we found him and he climbed into the pickup for a short visit, I got Sawyer out of his car seat and I said, "Are you going to tell Papa your news? That you're going to be a big brother?" Ryley did not believe me at first. I took out the test to show him, and he thought maybe I was playing a joke and it was the test from finding out with Sawyer (gross! I did NOT keep that old test).

It was a surprise for sure, but it was different than the last one. We were both very happy and excited right away. So excited, in fact, that we could not pass up the opportunity to share the news with our immediate family just 5 days later at Sawyer's birthday party. We were lucky enough to have all of our siblings and parents there with no extra guests before the party started. Everyone was very surprised!

We had been planning to discuss adding to our family while on our vacation next month. I am so floored by how blessed I am to have 2 surprise pregnancies. I have never felt so loved by the Lord than the last 2 years of my life. He chooses to bless His children in ways they don't deserve... and I will never understand why I have the privilege of carrying these two babies of mine.

I don't know why I dismissed our Caribbean vacation when we found out, but we are still going. I think that's the right decision. I am now 5 months pregnant, and it will be good for our marriage to have some alone time between babies. I will be absolutely heartbroken to leave my boy, but I know I have to put Ryley first.

Speaking of my boy. Life with him is very sweet and busy. He is just getting over a respiratory virus that led to the end of my breastfeeding. Of course, I was down to only twice a day and I was going to have to end it before I was away from him for 8 days. But it was very sad for me. I could have ended it months ago - he doesn't seem to mind where he gets milk from. So it wasn't a question of weaning, but rather my emotions. I thought it would be easier knowing I had another on the way; and maybe it softened the emotional sadness for me, but I will never nurse him again and that is a thing I have to get over. You'd think I'd be elated to give my jugs a 4-month break, but being a mama isn't about me, you know?

It's so funny to think back to 22 months ago when I found out I was going to have Sawyer. I resolved to make it a goal that I would breastfeed 6 months. And part of my reason was I thought it'd help me lose weight. Well, it did not help me lose weight like some other women but I couldn't have cared less. And there I was with a child over 1 year old, still pumping when I was at work. I know people at the office thought I was a nut job, but it never phased me at all.

Even with another baby on the way, I still long for my little boy to be a baby. He has grown to be quite stubborn and independent when he's awake, but he really has been like a dream so far. He knew nights were for sleeping from the get-go and sleeps 12 hours straight and has done that for months. I can put him down to nap or for bed without any trouble.

But I don't always just lay him down for naps - for selfish reasons. I've found myself rocking him down for his naps, just to hold him while he's sleeping. I just stare at his sweet, peaceful face and let the tears go. Every day that I'm home with him, I do this. Because I know deep in my heart that while my love for him will continue to grow, and because our days like this are dwindling. He is growing up fast, and soon there will be a new baby to attend to. Things will change, but my love will follow him wherever he is. I pray constantly that the Lord will help me to not hold him too tightly, for his sake first and foremost, but also for my own. From the day that little boy was born, I knew life with him would be about learning to let him go.

And so I also look forward to this next baby, wondering if my heart will burst with love from having 2 babies. And what happens when we have a third, a fourth, a fifth child, Lord willing? Will my heart be strong enough? My love is strong enough, I am sure of that. And I know if I cling to the Lord, my heart will not break into pieces with love for my babies.