Let It Be

I am, by nature, a highly analytical person.  I analyze the way my life has unfolded, the choices I've made, and the way I am treated by others to the point where I can feel tormented.

I have always felt that it is easy for me to forgive and forget as long as a the person I am in conflict with will have a discussion with me, and I can feel a certain measure of closure to the conflict.

That said, I have recently been through a season of life where I have lost people I loved very deeply.  Specifically, one person whom I trusted and treasured.  I have been left wounded and betrayed.  While this turn of events was set in motion about a year ago, I am still reeling and grieving.  I'm angry.  I'm tired.

I am turning 30 next month, and so I've been examining who I am more than ever.  Reflecting on my personality and my behaviors... trying to sort out which characteristics are God-given and which are a product of circumstance.  I can tell you with a sincere heart that I am not at all please with who I am.  But thankfully, I can see how far I've come, and the only credit I can give is to my Savior.  I can see where I'm going.  I can see the grace and mercy poured out on my life.

My perspective of myself is that while I might seem strong and fully confident, I am the first person to admit my mistakes and faults.  Because of the great loss of my mother as a teenager, I also tend to be a person that holds on tightly to those I love.  I am loyal.  I prefer to put my feelings out on the table.  I like to know where I stand, what people think of me.

Rejection is something I struggle with.  Fear of abandonment steals my joy.

And maybe that is the root of my problems.

So back to this particular person.  I do not know how two people who have been friends for years and both love the Lord can come to a place where the damage feels so permanent, and it seems like there is little hope for reconciliation.

Let me tell you that I have been overly blessed with amazing friends in my life.  I have a great network of girlfriends.  I rarely worry about who I can trust.  Until now.

So I grieve for the person I lost.  Because she is not the person I've known for years.  And while I forgive and wish her the best, I have an open wound.  Because even though I have all but given up on the friendship, she has not disappeared from my life.  That makes the healing part a little more difficult.

In my next 30 years, I hope I can care a little less about who loves me as much as I love them.  I want to be free of old chains and wounds in my life.  I hope I can just take so much joy in my friends who are like family, and focus less on family who isn't really family at all.

Colossians 3:13 - Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

My life is too short to worry about people who don't love me back.  Time to let go.  God give me strength.

Aren't we all the walking wounded in one way or another?

And these sweet babies of mine.  One look in their eyes and the cares of the world melts away. 

Dear Sawyer Saturday

Dear Sawyer:

What a difference a year makes. You were off ice fishing with Papa and "Compa" (Grampa) today, and I was thinking about how much I love you. We don't spend much time apart these days, since I am now home full-time. While your sister was napping, I paged through a few photos of you from last winter through now. It's amazing how your sweet little face can change in just a few months... how I can look at a photo from February 2011 and you are so different, yet the same. You were a baby last year, but now you are a boy.

You are thoughtful and stubborn, sensitive and assertive. You mostly listen well and do what we ask you to do, and you are still a doting big brother. When we go to play group, you love to show your sister off. You are always so joyful and happy. Every day is full of reunions; when you see your Papa after he comes home from work, if you play downstairs for 20 minutes and then see me again, or if you see your sister after nap or a good night sleep, it's, "HIIII PA-PAA!" or "MOOOMMMM! HIII! NICE TO SEE YOU!" or "HIII MINNIE! I YOUR BRUDDER! Awwww..." and always a hug and/or kiss.














Such a handsome young man you are. You are so funny with your words. All day is "bis one," (this one) and "cayons," (for coloring, of course) and "cupsies" (reserved for your favorite cups) and "munch" (the ever-popular lunch). You love fishing, dinosaurs, and "moondies" (movies). You just recently started becoming attached to some of your animals, including your "toe-toe" (turtle) that I bought you when we went to the aquarium at the Mall of America on your 1st birthday, and your Scentsy elephant.

You are such a joy. I am not sure that I could ever explain to you the fact that I never loved fully until I met you. You are my firstborn, and there is just something special about that. My heart is full of hopes and dreams for you and your precious life. I am so glad and blessed to have you, and while I want you to always stay little, at least promise me to always be my sweet boy. Love you (aaaayooooo much), my Sawyer JD.

Dear Brynee Monday

So in an effort to get back into blogging, I am hoping that Mondays I will think about writing to my daughter. I chose Monday because around here, we call our Brynja "Brynee" or more commonly, "Minnie." Minnie Monday. Funny how I came across the name Brynja because we liked the name Bryn. We thought we'd call her Bryn for short, but that is not the case. In fact, it almost takes me by surprise when people refer to her as "Bryn" because that's not who she is to me. We call her "Minnie" most often (who would have thought) because Sawyer calls her "Minnie" most often (along with "Mindy," "Min," or "Ricky"... haha).

So...

Dear Brynee:

You recently turned 5 months old. Log rolling is the way you get around these days. Your favorite activities include crunches (laying on your back, lifting your legs and your head), bath time, smiling, napping, and playing with your big brother. You are such a happy baby girl, and rarely make a fuss. I think what makes you upset most of the time is your frustration in wanting to chase Sawyer. We can tell you are highly motivated to catch up with your brother as soon as possible! You currently weigh over 17 pounds, and you are wearing mostly size 9 month clothing. People usually think you are older than you are.

I often look at your sweet, smiling face and wonder who you will become. With your older brother, I can already make some guesses and I see his personality coming through. But all I see in you right now is sweetness and happiness. I imagine you having that same sweet, kind personality... but also being assertive and feisty when you need to be.

You are the treasure of our family. Sawyer absolutely adores you, and always makes sure you have a toy to play with. There is nothing in this world that brings me more joy than watching you and your brother interact.

I am so blessed to have you as my daughter. I pray for you constantly, and look forward to the day we can go shopping, I can do your hair, and we can have conversations. But I don't want that day to come too soon, because your baby stages will slip away all too quickly. I thank God for blessing me with you every day, and pray for the woman He wants you to be.

Love you so much, Brynee Bunny.