No Real News

Heading into the Holiday season...and thinking this might be our last Christmas without a child! Found this picture from last Christmas - it makes me laugh because Macy is still a little girl in this picture. It was such a good Christmas because Ryley let me keep one of Maddy's pups. I'm just reflecting on how much has changed since last year...when adopting was just an idea. And now God seems to be confirming that this is His plan for our family.

Here are some pictures from a visit this past weekend with my friend, Marianne! This was the first time I met her precious baby boy, Benjamin. He is seriously the most smiley, happy baby I've ever met. It was also so fun to see Marianne's great danes, Lucy and Ethel...who are great friends of Maddy and Macy.

Marianne and her husband, Ryan were a great help in easing my worries about our adoption plans. They were quick to offer advice and let me borrow a book on transracial adoption. Amidst all the worry over finances and this process, it was a much needed encouragement...I only wish that Ryley could have shared that sentiment with me. He was busy working away in the field.

I got a call from the application specialist at CHS yesterday. She said our application is complete and in good order. Apparently the lady that gives it the final review is in Ethiopia this week, so we will hear back next week. But the app specialist said she is fairly confident that we will be able to attend the adoption workshop (PAC) on December 18 & 19. This is very good news for us, as we will be on a vacation over the scheduled January PAC, so that would have pushed us back to attending the workshop in February. Once we complete this class, along with a 7-10 page "essay" about ourselves (yes, Ryley has to do his own!), then we will be ready for our homestudy, God willing.

I was so worried about whether or not we would make it into the December class (there's still a chance we won't). I have a minor incident, a brush with the law, that is proving to follow me wherever I go in life. I am still scared that because of the company I chose years ago, my husband also has to pay the price if our desire to adopt is compromised. But then again...God is bigger than all of that.

Thanks to those of you who have been covering our plans with prayer. Becoming a parent is something so surreal right now...it's not just something I want...it's my purpose. I truly feel like being the parent of a child who doesn't look like me is my purpose and blessing in this life.

Promises

I accidentally told you our application had been sent out...but that wasn't true. I forgot we had to include a picture, and ever since I got a digital camera I haven't had any prints made! So that and the fact that there was no mail yesterday in observance of Veteran's Day delayed that step a little.

Today started out wonderfully.

I began my day meeting my sweet friend, Nicole for coffee. After good conversation and being encouraged, I headed to the office. My boss arrived and we had a good, positive discussion - about professional and personal matters - which hadn't happened in awhile. As you can imagine, working in a financial planning and investment business things have been stressful these past months, to say the least. So it was refreshing and motivating to start off our day at work on that note. On my lunch break, I picked up my picture that was to be included in our application package. I was on the phone with my dear Debi, who offered a prayer of joy and favor over our plans just seconds before I slipped the envelope into the mailbox. I was shaking with excitement and hope...and thinking to myself, "it's going to be a long year!" At the very beginning, and I can hardly contain my emotions.

The Dow was down 411 points today. These past two weeks have been discouraging on so many levels. But this was a good day. After work, I stopped by the library and picked up a few books on the history of the country we are hoping to adopt from. I got in my pickup, and my thoughts were that of hope for our future. I was thinking about God's promises, and reflecting on the fact that He placed this desire in our hearts for our plan of a family. I could just hear Him saying, "I know the plans I have for you..." and I was in communion with Him, at peace believing He knows what He's doing. All I have to do is be faithful and watch His beautiful plan for our marriage and family unfold.

You see, the devil loves to put doubt and fear into my head about this decision we've made. I feel like evil has been assailing me these past two weeks. Most of it has to do with financial aspects, which I am usually worrying about no matter what the season in my life. But I was savoring my thoughts about how God is faithful and good, and these plans He has for our lives will bring us blessings. Our job is to be obedient and steadfast in carrying out what we were called to do.

Feeling at peace and being full of joy that our application was in the mail, I called up Ryley on my drive home to let him know. Instead of sharing in my joy, he was very quiet. I asked him if he was excited, and all that he can think about is the grain market, which has been slashed in half in the past two months. All summer we had high hopes for a good harvest and market to sell our crops. Usually the guys are nearing the end in the field by now...but this year, they've barely begun. It's been raining or snowing for almost every week since the middle of September, which makes it impossible to get into the fields to harvest our crop. As most men, Ryley carries a burden to provide for me and his future family. And now that things are looking grim for our harvest, I know he is struggling with doubt that now is the time for us to come up with an estimated $30,000 to start our family.

I arrived home, feeling a little discouraged. I opened my door and gasped.... Since we've decided to move forward with this process, I have resolved not to spend money on frivolous things. I have been wanting some garland to dress up my kitchen for fall...but waited until mid-November to buy it because it would be on sale. So last week I found two very pretty garlands...the kind that look like they have little blossoms that are usually made of styrofoam, but these were the more expensive and durable plastic kind...for less than $10. I had set them on the dining room table, careful not to let them hang over the edge. Back to the gasping... Well, the dogs were inside today because of the rain...and Macy had pulled them down and shredded them well beyond repair.

That was it. I was SO ANGRY that my happy, fruitful day had so quickly went sour. I yelled at both the dogs even though Macy was the only guilty one (she's the younger one...and mama Maddy has not gotten into trouble for a few years now). I banished them both to their crate (they were huddled together in it, even though it's only meant for one). I went about cleaning up Macy's little escapade, which was strewn all over the house. Halfway into it, I just started letting my tears roll. And in that moment of weakness, I was reminded that those thoughts I had had earlier...you know, the encouraging, promising ones about my future...were from the Lord. He knew I was going to be confronted with this today. He knew I needed a pep talk. And today I know I heard from my Father.

I am praying that our ears and hearts will continue to be open to this reassurance from our loving, faithful Lord...we have to continue to believe He will keep His promises, no matter what wrenches the enemy throws into the plans. And from now on, I want to encourage those who are trying to live out the life God has called them to. You never know when someone is being attacked. Keep the faith.

Acts 2:39 The promise is for you and your children and for all who are far off—for all whom the Lord our God will call.

Hebrews 10:23-25
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

The First Real Step

We have finally sent in our adoption application package. It's crazy to think we're at the very beginning of the actual process, even though we've been thinking, praying, and talking about it nonstop for the past nine months. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this process, we attended an information meeting, then filled out a registration form and sent it to CHS. They sent us our application about 3 weeks ago.

We answered a lot of questions about ourselves, including our background information, employment history, previous residence history, and information about our current home. We were also asked to explain the child we are hoping to adopt. We had to list three unrelated references and ask those people to write letters about our character and how we relate to one another. We also had to visit our doctors and have them fill out a medical report, include copies of our birth certificates and marriage license, and finally we got fingerprinted. Oh, and don't forget the $500 application fee. It was a lot...but it's only the tip of the iceberg, really.

Many thanks to the following people for writing letters for us: my boss, Josh - our dear friend, Chrissy - and our neighbors, Floyd & Iris. We very much look forward to sharing this journey with all of you...you have all been amazing friends to Ryley and me!

So, what next? We send in our application, and God willing, we will get invited to a 2-day adoption workshop. To the best of our understanding, a $2,400 fee will be due before we attend this class. We are hoping that our application will be processed in time for us to attend the December class, which according to their website is the 3rd Thursday & Friday of each month. We have vacation plans (that we planned 8 months ago) in January that will make us unavailable for the class that month...so we are definitely hoping we don't delay the process by having to wait until February. After the class is completed, we will begin our home study with a social worker, which takes a couple of months. Another $5,400 will be due by the end of our home study. So as you can see, we have a lot of upcoming fees! There will be many smaller fees along the way. But after our home study is complete, they will send it to the country we are hoping to adopt from and hopefully we will be accepted and placed on the waiting list. God willing, we will receive a referral under a year after that. If we do, we would travel to bring our baby home...and there would be a substantial fee due to that country when the process is completed.

Some of you know which country we have decided on. I'm choosing to keep that information off the blog for now, just in case things change. In the past, we had gotten very attached to the idea of adopting from Peru...and then we found out they were no longer taking applicants for children under age 5, and we were heartbroken.

If all goes as planned, we will hopefully have our firstborn by next Christmas! But the adoption process can always change, so we are trying to keep that in mind. We are praying fervently, because if things move along according to the timeline for the country we're interested in adopting from, our baby has likely been conceived. That just blows my mind. We are praying that God will prepare our little one's heart now, while in the womb, for the challenges he or she will face. We are aware that when the day comes to bring our precious child home, there were likely be attachment issues, as he or she will probably be around 9 months old. May God give him or her peace through the transition...and give us strength to stay the course through our adoption journey. I am getting ahead of myself here...so all of this is God willing. It's in your hands, Lord, and we are trusting that You have a perfect plan for our family.

9 Years...

Every year on this date, I reflect on life and love lost...my mama passed away on this day, just 6 days after her 41st birthday. This year feels a little special, though...ever since I lost her, I couldn't comprehend every becoming a mother myself. I thought, "how can I be a mom when I don't even have one?" But I've invited my Lord and Savior to fill those holes in my heart, and now I feel like I'm coming full circle.

Thinking about my mom and the legacy she left...of course, she had flaws. She spent beyond our means, and it was always to lavish on my brother and me. Her and my dad weren't always a united front in parenting. I know there's more faults...but what I am absolutely always stunned by is her loyalty and kindness. Her devotion to her family. The way she persistently loved people; what an example I have to follow. Especially during her 9-month battle with leukemia, she exuded graciousness and exemplified the love of Christ. I remember every time I walked into her hospital room, and it was just like the Holy Spirit's presence was so strong. Of course, I will admit I was repelled by that at the time. I could go on and on and on, through the layers of emotion that are connected to who my mother was and how she died.

One of the many lessons I learned from her death that I cling to every day is the fact that our time here is short. Our lives are like a blink of an eye when measured against eternity. So I try to live knowing that this earth is not my home, so I shouldn't cling to material things that mean nothing in the scheme of things. I try to live knowing the reality that we can lose those dear to us at any moment. When I am disappointed or unhappy with my marriage, I remember that my days with my sweet husband are numbered. You never know when it can be all over. So I try to live strong and love hard. To delight in the simple things, like waking up next to Ryley. Like talking to my dad on the phone and saying "I love you." And a constant reminder of my mortality that lives in my home: my three sweet dogs.

I feel like I'm rambling again, like I do most of the time. But I'm just so caught up in this orchestra of emotion that I call my life. This week has been a hard one...my mom's birthday on Oct. 31st, family struggles for both Ryley's and my family, the rain that is keeping Ryley from harvest, the President-elect being against many things I believe in, and the anniversary of my mother's death. But how joyful it is to have peace through all of it, to be able to praise God amidst the storms of life.

And so this is a year of coming full circle. Each child I see, I take in every movement, every expression, and imagine what my first baby will be like. I feel so blessed to be walking in God's will, and that this path will hopefully lead me to our beautiful baby. At the same time, I am so happy that I can enjoy the days I have with "just us:" Ryley, Maddy, Macy, and Toby. I can't wait for the day I will finally hold my precious baby in my arms, but I am not living for tomorrow.

I am the daughter of Dawn Marie, born 10/31/1958 to Charles & Grace, married 3/28/1978 to Ronald, and went home to her Savior on 11/6/1999. Though I can't remember her voice, and she didn't live long enough to become my friend...I am who I am because she loved me. And I am setting out on my journey to become a mother.

Job 1:21 "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised."

Romans 8:38-39 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Now You Know

So...here I am, finally writing my first post. The reason I decided to start this blog is so I can keep people updated not only on my life, but our plans to start a family. As I'm typing this, we are in the middle of completing our application to adopt! The agency we are working with is Children's Home Society and Family Services (CHSFS) in Saint Paul. Although we have not announced this to everyone we know at this point, we plan to soon...and since we've already started this process, I thought now was a good enough time to start journaling.

So, why are we adopting? This is a question I could spend hours answering. I never thought a whole lot about becoming a parent until I met Ryley, but we have both shared a desire to consider adoption since we began dating in 2003, when we were both 20 years old. When we turned 25, we started looking into it more...and so we have been in prayer about the direction of starting our family since late last winter. We feel confident that now is the time to move forward.

For us, it's not so much about defining this desire of our hearts, but rather being obedient to the call we feel like we have on our lives. But since curious people want answers, here it goes. Since I lost my mom in 1999, I have come to realize that 'family' isn't so much about being related through DNA. Rather, it's about being part of God's family...about loving each other unconditionally, through faults, trials, joy, and hurt. I have so many precious people in my life that I consider to be family, and they aren't all in my family tree. For example, my dear stepmom, Debi. She has stepped into a spiritual role in my life, and has shown me great love, mercy, and forgiveness. She has been there for me as I set out to become a person that chases after God. Another person is my very dear, sweet sister-in-law, Heather. I always wondered what it would be like to have a sister, and she has definitely fulfilled that longing for me. We can share our secrets, our hopes, our joys, and our pain...we've cried together, laughed together, and encouraged one another. I met Heather for the first time when she was 15 years old...my second date with Ryley was a weekend meeting his family...and she predicted that I would one day become his wife. She has become a close confidante and friend. Women like these two, among others, have shown me the true meaning of family and love. I know God has worked through some very special women to repair my heart after the loss of my mama, and now I feel like I am capable of becoming a mother myself, even though I don't have one of my own.

I think this matter of our hearts is so hard to put into words. We just feel like our child is out there, and we are on this beautiful journey of faith, trusting that our Lord will lead us to this precious little person. We are very thrilled and anxious, but still cautious...so with that, we are moving forward saying "God willing." God willing, we would love to find our baby soon. Until then, we are trusting that God will continue to mold our hearts and minds as we prepare for parenthood.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."