Every year on this date, I reflect on life and love lost...my mama passed away on this day, just 6 days after her 41st birthday. This year feels a little special, though...ever since I lost her, I couldn't comprehend every becoming a mother myself. I thought, "how can I be a mom when I don't even have one?" But I've invited my Lord and Savior to fill those holes in my heart, and now I feel like I'm coming full circle.
Thinking about my mom and the legacy she left...of course, she had flaws. She spent beyond our means, and it was always to lavish on my brother and me. Her and my dad weren't always a united front in parenting. I know there's more faults...but what I am absolutely always stunned by is her loyalty and kindness. Her devotion to her family. The way she persistently loved people; what an example I have to follow. Especially during her 9-month battle with leukemia, she exuded graciousness and exemplified the love of Christ. I remember every time I walked into her hospital room, and it was just like the Holy Spirit's presence was so strong. Of course, I will admit I was repelled by that at the time. I could go on and on and on, through the layers of emotion that are connected to who my mother was and how she died.
One of the many lessons I learned from her death that I cling to every day is the fact that our time here is short. Our lives are like a blink of an eye when measured against eternity. So I try to live knowing that this earth is not my home, so I shouldn't cling to material things that mean nothing in the scheme of things. I try to live knowing the reality that we can lose those dear to us at any moment. When I am disappointed or unhappy with my marriage, I remember that my days with my sweet husband are numbered. You never know when it can be all over. So I try to live strong and love hard. To delight in the simple things, like waking up next to Ryley. Like talking to my dad on the phone and saying "I love you." And a constant reminder of my mortality that lives in my home: my three sweet dogs.
I feel like I'm rambling again, like I do most of the time. But I'm just so caught up in this orchestra of emotion that I call my life. This week has been a hard one...my mom's birthday on Oct. 31st, family struggles for both Ryley's and my family, the rain that is keeping Ryley from harvest, the President-elect being against many things I believe in, and the anniversary of my mother's death. But how joyful it is to have peace through all of it, to be able to praise God amidst the storms of life.
And so this is a year of coming full circle. Each child I see, I take in every movement, every expression, and imagine what my first baby will be like. I feel so blessed to be walking in God's will, and that this path will hopefully lead me to our beautiful baby. At the same time, I am so happy that I can enjoy the days I have with "just us:" Ryley, Maddy, Macy, and Toby. I can't wait for the day I will finally hold my precious baby in my arms, but I am not living for tomorrow.
I am the daughter of Dawn Marie, born 10/31/1958 to Charles & Grace, married 3/28/1978 to Ronald, and went home to her Savior on 11/6/1999. Though I can't remember her voice, and she didn't live long enough to become my friend...I am who I am because she loved me. And I am setting out on my journey to become a mother.
Job 1:21 "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised."
Romans 8:38-39 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Monday, November 3, 2008
Now You Know
So...here I am, finally writing my first post. The reason I decided to start this blog is so I can keep people updated not only on my life, but our plans to start a family. As I'm typing this, we are in the middle of completing our application to adopt! The agency we are working with is Children's Home Society and Family Services (CHSFS) in Saint Paul. Although we have not announced this to everyone we know at this point, we plan to soon...and since we've already started this process, I thought now was a good enough time to start journaling.
So, why are we adopting? This is a question I could spend hours answering. I never thought a whole lot about becoming a parent until I met Ryley, but we have both shared a desire to consider adoption since we began dating in 2003, when we were both 20 years old. When we turned 25, we started looking into it more...and so we have been in prayer about the direction of starting our family since late last winter. We feel confident that now is the time to move forward.
For us, it's not so much about defining this desire of our hearts, but rather being obedient to the call we feel like we have on our lives. But since curious people want answers, here it goes. Since I lost my mom in 1999, I have come to realize that 'family' isn't so much about being related through DNA. Rather, it's about being part of God's family...about loving each other unconditionally, through faults, trials, joy, and hurt. I have so many precious people in my life that I consider to be family, and they aren't all in my family tree. For example, my dear stepmom, Debi. She has stepped into a spiritual role in my life, and has shown me great love, mercy, and forgiveness. She has been there for me as I set out to become a person that chases after God. Another person is my very dear, sweet sister-in-law, Heather. I always wondered what it would be like to have a sister, and she has definitely fulfilled that longing for me. We can share our secrets, our hopes, our joys, and our pain...we've cried together, laughed together, and encouraged one another. I met Heather for the first time when she was 15 years old...my second date with Ryley was a weekend meeting his family...and she predicted that I would one day become his wife. She has become a close confidante and friend. Women like these two, among others, have shown me the true meaning of family and love. I know God has worked through some very special women to repair my heart after the loss of my mama, and now I feel like I am capable of becoming a mother myself, even though I don't have one of my own.
I think this matter of our hearts is so hard to put into words. We just feel like our child is out there, and we are on this beautiful journey of faith, trusting that our Lord will lead us to this precious little person. We are very thrilled and anxious, but still cautious...so with that, we are moving forward saying "God willing." God willing, we would love to find our baby soon. Until then, we are trusting that God will continue to mold our hearts and minds as we prepare for parenthood.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
So, why are we adopting? This is a question I could spend hours answering. I never thought a whole lot about becoming a parent until I met Ryley, but we have both shared a desire to consider adoption since we began dating in 2003, when we were both 20 years old. When we turned 25, we started looking into it more...and so we have been in prayer about the direction of starting our family since late last winter. We feel confident that now is the time to move forward.
For us, it's not so much about defining this desire of our hearts, but rather being obedient to the call we feel like we have on our lives. But since curious people want answers, here it goes. Since I lost my mom in 1999, I have come to realize that 'family' isn't so much about being related through DNA. Rather, it's about being part of God's family...about loving each other unconditionally, through faults, trials, joy, and hurt. I have so many precious people in my life that I consider to be family, and they aren't all in my family tree. For example, my dear stepmom, Debi. She has stepped into a spiritual role in my life, and has shown me great love, mercy, and forgiveness. She has been there for me as I set out to become a person that chases after God. Another person is my very dear, sweet sister-in-law, Heather. I always wondered what it would be like to have a sister, and she has definitely fulfilled that longing for me. We can share our secrets, our hopes, our joys, and our pain...we've cried together, laughed together, and encouraged one another. I met Heather for the first time when she was 15 years old...my second date with Ryley was a weekend meeting his family...and she predicted that I would one day become his wife. She has become a close confidante and friend. Women like these two, among others, have shown me the true meaning of family and love. I know God has worked through some very special women to repair my heart after the loss of my mama, and now I feel like I am capable of becoming a mother myself, even though I don't have one of my own.
I think this matter of our hearts is so hard to put into words. We just feel like our child is out there, and we are on this beautiful journey of faith, trusting that our Lord will lead us to this precious little person. We are very thrilled and anxious, but still cautious...so with that, we are moving forward saying "God willing." God willing, we would love to find our baby soon. Until then, we are trusting that God will continue to mold our hearts and minds as we prepare for parenthood.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
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