I am, by nature, a highly analytical person. I analyze the way my life has unfolded, the choices I've made, and the way I am treated by others to the point where I can feel tormented.
I have always felt that it is easy for me to forgive and forget as long as a the person I am in conflict with will have a discussion with me, and I can feel a certain measure of closure to the conflict.
That said, I have recently been through a season of life where I have lost people I loved very deeply. Specifically, one person whom I trusted and treasured. I have been left wounded and betrayed. While this turn of events was set in motion about a year ago, I am still reeling and grieving. I'm angry. I'm tired.
I am turning 30 next month, and so I've been examining who I am more than ever. Reflecting on my personality and my behaviors... trying to sort out which characteristics are God-given and which are a product of circumstance. I can tell you with a sincere heart that I am not at all please with who I am. But thankfully, I can see how far I've come, and the only credit I can give is to my Savior. I can see where I'm going. I can see the grace and mercy poured out on my life.
My perspective of myself is that while I might seem strong and fully confident, I am the first person to admit my mistakes and faults. Because of the great loss of my mother as a teenager, I also tend to be a person that holds on tightly to those I love. I am loyal. I prefer to put my feelings out on the table. I like to know where I stand, what people think of me.
Rejection is something I struggle with. Fear of abandonment steals my joy.
And maybe that is the root of my problems.
So back to this particular person. I do not know how two people who have been friends for years and both love the Lord can come to a place where the damage feels so permanent, and it seems like there is little hope for reconciliation.
Let me tell you that I have been overly blessed with amazing friends in my life. I have a great network of girlfriends. I rarely worry about who I can trust. Until now.
So I grieve for the person I lost. Because she is not the person I've known for years. And while I forgive and wish her the best, I have an open wound. Because even though I have all but given up on the friendship, she has not disappeared from my life. That makes the healing part a little more difficult.
In my next 30 years, I hope I can care a little less about who loves me as much as I love them. I want to be free of old chains and wounds in my life. I hope I can just take so much joy in my friends who are like family, and focus less on family who isn't really family at all.
Colossians 3:13 - Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
My life is too short to worry about people who don't love me back. Time to let go. God give me strength.
Aren't we all the walking wounded in one way or another?
And these sweet babies of mine. One look in their eyes and the cares of the world melts away.
