9 Years...

Every year on this date, I reflect on life and love lost...my mama passed away on this day, just 6 days after her 41st birthday. This year feels a little special, though...ever since I lost her, I couldn't comprehend every becoming a mother myself. I thought, "how can I be a mom when I don't even have one?" But I've invited my Lord and Savior to fill those holes in my heart, and now I feel like I'm coming full circle.

Thinking about my mom and the legacy she left...of course, she had flaws. She spent beyond our means, and it was always to lavish on my brother and me. Her and my dad weren't always a united front in parenting. I know there's more faults...but what I am absolutely always stunned by is her loyalty and kindness. Her devotion to her family. The way she persistently loved people; what an example I have to follow. Especially during her 9-month battle with leukemia, she exuded graciousness and exemplified the love of Christ. I remember every time I walked into her hospital room, and it was just like the Holy Spirit's presence was so strong. Of course, I will admit I was repelled by that at the time. I could go on and on and on, through the layers of emotion that are connected to who my mother was and how she died.

One of the many lessons I learned from her death that I cling to every day is the fact that our time here is short. Our lives are like a blink of an eye when measured against eternity. So I try to live knowing that this earth is not my home, so I shouldn't cling to material things that mean nothing in the scheme of things. I try to live knowing the reality that we can lose those dear to us at any moment. When I am disappointed or unhappy with my marriage, I remember that my days with my sweet husband are numbered. You never know when it can be all over. So I try to live strong and love hard. To delight in the simple things, like waking up next to Ryley. Like talking to my dad on the phone and saying "I love you." And a constant reminder of my mortality that lives in my home: my three sweet dogs.

I feel like I'm rambling again, like I do most of the time. But I'm just so caught up in this orchestra of emotion that I call my life. This week has been a hard one...my mom's birthday on Oct. 31st, family struggles for both Ryley's and my family, the rain that is keeping Ryley from harvest, the President-elect being against many things I believe in, and the anniversary of my mother's death. But how joyful it is to have peace through all of it, to be able to praise God amidst the storms of life.

And so this is a year of coming full circle. Each child I see, I take in every movement, every expression, and imagine what my first baby will be like. I feel so blessed to be walking in God's will, and that this path will hopefully lead me to our beautiful baby. At the same time, I am so happy that I can enjoy the days I have with "just us:" Ryley, Maddy, Macy, and Toby. I can't wait for the day I will finally hold my precious baby in my arms, but I am not living for tomorrow.

I am the daughter of Dawn Marie, born 10/31/1958 to Charles & Grace, married 3/28/1978 to Ronald, and went home to her Savior on 11/6/1999. Though I can't remember her voice, and she didn't live long enough to become my friend...I am who I am because she loved me. And I am setting out on my journey to become a mother.

Job 1:21 "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised."

Romans 8:38-39 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.