Reviving an Abandoned Blog

The past 3 months have been a blur. I feel like I'm still waiting to start life as a family of four, because my husband hasn't been around much. But we are looking forward to hibernating with our papa for the winter... harvest is so close to being over now. Although the past 3 months seem to have slipped by me, they have been 3 very wonderful months.

As I sit here sipping my apple spice tea on an overcast autumn day, enjoying the scent of "pumpkin marshmallow" mixed with "home sweet home" (I love Scentsy!) while my babies sleep, I would like to leave you with this entry from my private journal, as it is a good introduction to my next post:


Monday, January 24, 2011 - New Baby GIRL!

About an hour ago, at a little under 16 weeks gestation, I found out I am to have a daughter. I will not lie, I was taken aback. I had a small hope that Sawyer would have a brother close to his age. Although I did have a feeling we would be blessed with a girl.

I've always wanted a house full of boys; I just thought it'd be easier that way. Then I could be the only "emotional" one in the house. I already know what it's like to care for a baby boy. I had dreams of watching two boys, in consecutive grades, playing sports on the same team. But it looks like it's not to be... although an ultrasound is more likely to be wrong on a girl.

Now I must think of girl names. I've been busying my mind with thoughts of a boy.

But I know that this child is a blessing, that she was meant to be my daughter and be my second born. I think I've been afraid of having a mother/daughter relationship; I feel inadequate, as I do not have my own mom here to model what that should look like. I know I was an awful, ungrateful daughter who took my mother for granted. And I'm afraid that I will suffer the same fate as her.

And now, I am already praying for the knowledge to raise a gentle and compassionate daughter, wise beyond her years who knows the Lord at a young age. With God, I can do this.

I feel like this will be another step in this healing process of losing my mom. Though my daughter's life is not about that.

One thing I do know is that I love her, even though I have my fears.