Momby

I have not been able to write as much as I'd like. I lay in bed at night, writing blog posts in my head, recalling the day and the things I don't want to ever forget. If only my thoughts would just show up as rough drafts.

I find myself feeling like I'm drowning in memories I want to preserve. Instead, housework, hungry babies, and business call to me.

Sawyer has been doing some pretty cute things lately. Between 6:30 p.m. and bedtime, he gets pretty snuggly. He likes to cuddle up to Brynja and me when I am nursing. So he climbed up by us on the couch again, and started singing a song that went something like, "Mommy, momby, mooooooommmmy, MOMMY, mooooooooooomby!" I guess he wrote that song for me. At the end, he took my face in his hands and pressed his lips onto mine. It was a little awkward, and I think he kept kissing on me because I was giggling. He stared right into my eyes as he was kissing me. And when he was finally done, he petted his sissy's head for awhile.

We went to the post office today to mail a small package to my stepmom. He carried the package in with one hand, held my hand with the other, and I was also carrying Brynee in her car seat. When we got inside, he said something like, "Where aaawee?" I said we're at the post office to mail this package. He said, "What izzzit?" I said it's a package for your grandma. He said, "Comma? COMMA! Cooooooommmmaaaaa... where aaaaaaaayooooooo?" I said no honey, she's not here. The package is for grandma, but she's not here. He looked around, puzzled, at the line of people. Then he went up to an older lady and gave her the package, saying, "Herego, comma." I know he knew who I was talking about at first because he was talking about "Poo-O" which is what my dad and stepmom call their dog (poodle). But after he realize they were not there, he thought I meant the package went to any grandma.

I've been so busy in the past few weeks, as I recently became an independent Scentsy consultant. I love that Sawyer enjoys smelling the scent testers with me.

I took down Brynee's bassinet today. Packed it up for the next baby. She's growing up so fast; they both are. I have to think about moving her out of our room at some point, which means moving Sawyer out of his crib so she can use it.

I plan to do a post about Sawyer turning 2... hopefully I have time for that this week.

I really wish I could freeze my kids at their various stages so I could have them at all their ages of life. Someday my arms will be empty. It must be tiring for people to read about how I'm always sad that my babies are growing older. I really need to work on releasing them to God.

My Fabulous Photographer

I have the most amazing photographs in the past few years thanks to my highly talented photographer, who also happens to be a very dear friend. So blessed to have this girl in my life. The first five photos from my post earlier today were taken by the lovely and talented Stacy Kron, along with the photo on my header and sidebar.

You can check out her blog post from Brynja's newborn photos, along with the rest of her work, right here.

About A Girl

As I've mentioned before, Brynja means "armor." I loved being able to give my daughter a name that has a strong meaning.

Ephesians 6:13 says:
Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ever since the day I found out I was having a girl, I've prayed that the Lord would protect her. That she would one day put on the full armor of God, and that she would grow up to also protect those who need protection.

At this point, Sawyer feels the need to protect his "Brynee." He gets very anxious, often times to the point of tears, when someone who he isn't very familiar with is holding his baby sister. Just this morning when we were at our family music class, he was engaged in a song across the room from where I was sitting near Brynee, who was lying on a blanket. Another little boy started coming towards her to say hello. Sawyer took notice and ran across the room. He got between her and the little boy, put his hands over her as if to shield her, and told the boy "STOP." Of course I explained to Sawyer that the boy was our friend and that he wanted to say hello. Sawyer cautiously allowed the boy to say hello to Brynee, but stood by carefully watching over his sissy.

Having a daughter is already different to me. When Sawyer was born, I felt proud of him, but I knew I would be raising him to let him go. When Brynja was born, while I felt the same things to an extent, I felt like she was the treasure of our family. I love both of my babies so deeply, and I do not love one more than the other. But having a daughter feels different than having a son. It is difficult for me to articulate why.

When Brynja had her 2 month appointment, her doctor was sharing that her children were about the same age difference, a boy then a girl just like my kids. It was so interesting to me, because it seems that she feels the same way I do about her children. She adores both of them, but the relationship is different. Her daughter is 11 and her son is 13. About her daughter, she said, "When she is at school and I'm here it work, I physically long for her."

I was always so afraid of having a daughter. I was an awful daughter to my parents during my teenage years. I figured if I ever had a daughter of my own, I would pay for that; after all, what goes around, comes around. I am sure that there will be challenges with all of my children, and who they will be, their personalities, etc. remains to be seen. But I will endure it and raise them the best I can with help from the Lord. I no longer fear it (because what's the point in worrying now?). I am just so very grateful to have the privilege to be their mama.

Back to Brynee. Right now, at 3 months old, she is certainly sugar and spice, and everything nice. She is so very sweet. Smiley, laid-back, rarely makes a fuss. Wakes up happy, sleeps a lot. Loves her big brother and anyone else who stops to talk with her.

It is so fun watching the interaction between my two children. Sawyer, ever the doting and protective brother. And she gazes at him with adoration. Of course they will have their moments, I'm sure, but the prayer of my heart is that their relationship will always be like this at the core.

Psalm 127:3-4
Children are a heritage from the LORD,
offspring a reward from him.
Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are children born in one’s youth.

Story Time

Okay, so the NEXT POST will be expanding off of yesterday's "Reviving an Abandoned Blog." Stay tuned.

I need to start writing down the things Sawyer does and says... he can be quite entertaining, and sometimes he can be so tender and sweet.

Bedtime has always been special for us. When Ryley is home, we like to both be part of the bedtime routine. Before bedtime and naps, I always sit down in the rocking chair while Sawyer picks out his "bookey."

His favorite books are, "Little Blue Truck," "Big Red Barn," "Bear Snores On," and "Pouch."

I remember when I was pregnant with him, and people were telling me which books I had to get... mostly ones that they said would make me cry. Like "Guess How Much I Love You," and "I Love You More." While they are very nice books, they have never made me cry.

There is one book, however, that I tear up for every time. It's called, "Tiny Bear's Bible." We read that book tonight. Beautifully and simply written about the love God has for us. Here's an excerpt:

"I am with you always" Mark 10

God made a promise-
So you know that it's true-
"I'll always, always be with you!"
No matter what, no matter where
Yes, God is with us, tiny bear.
He'll never leave us - day or night.
He's always with us - yes, that's right!

Anyway, there was an illustration in the book that depicted Daniel and the lions. So I pointed to David, "Who's that?" Sawyer replied, "It's a papa!" I point to the lions - "What are those?" Sawyer says, "It's bears." I say, no baby, those are lions. So he says, "Is... lyyyy-ons." Then I point to the angel, asking him who that is. He pauses... he asks, "Who... is it?" So I said, "That's an angel. Can you say angel?" He slowly replies, "Cheese - ball."

Reviving an Abandoned Blog

The past 3 months have been a blur. I feel like I'm still waiting to start life as a family of four, because my husband hasn't been around much. But we are looking forward to hibernating with our papa for the winter... harvest is so close to being over now. Although the past 3 months seem to have slipped by me, they have been 3 very wonderful months.

As I sit here sipping my apple spice tea on an overcast autumn day, enjoying the scent of "pumpkin marshmallow" mixed with "home sweet home" (I love Scentsy!) while my babies sleep, I would like to leave you with this entry from my private journal, as it is a good introduction to my next post:


Monday, January 24, 2011 - New Baby GIRL!

About an hour ago, at a little under 16 weeks gestation, I found out I am to have a daughter. I will not lie, I was taken aback. I had a small hope that Sawyer would have a brother close to his age. Although I did have a feeling we would be blessed with a girl.

I've always wanted a house full of boys; I just thought it'd be easier that way. Then I could be the only "emotional" one in the house. I already know what it's like to care for a baby boy. I had dreams of watching two boys, in consecutive grades, playing sports on the same team. But it looks like it's not to be... although an ultrasound is more likely to be wrong on a girl.

Now I must think of girl names. I've been busying my mind with thoughts of a boy.

But I know that this child is a blessing, that she was meant to be my daughter and be my second born. I think I've been afraid of having a mother/daughter relationship; I feel inadequate, as I do not have my own mom here to model what that should look like. I know I was an awful, ungrateful daughter who took my mother for granted. And I'm afraid that I will suffer the same fate as her.

And now, I am already praying for the knowledge to raise a gentle and compassionate daughter, wise beyond her years who knows the Lord at a young age. With God, I can do this.

I feel like this will be another step in this healing process of losing my mom. Though my daughter's life is not about that.

One thing I do know is that I love her, even though I have my fears.

Joy

It has been a disappointing week for us when it comes to business. The biggest disappointment came when the overnight low dropped below freezing, which obviously is not good for our crops. Which is worse than not good. I'll skip the depressing details.

I'm grateful that Ryley can delight in his son when he comes home from a disappointing week at work. The burden he feels to provide is heavier since we have children now. But I think his heart is lighter when he sees them smile. I feel so blessed that while all of Ryley's hard work this year may not pay off to the extent he had hoped, he will not let that steal his joy. And I am so glad my husband can recognize his many blessings and give thanks to the Lord in the midst of business ventures looking poor.

And of course, I'm grateful for the little boy who can make my husband's worry disappear with a flash of his smile.

Better Days

It was an emotional day for me. Brynja suddenly transformed from my sleepy, easy baby... to one who wanted lots of attention from 11:00 a.m. to 9:00 p.m. with nothing more than a few catnaps. All I had time for was meeting everyone's basic needs, with the exception of myself. I am eating cucumbers and popsicles for supper as I type because I am too tired for anything else.

It broke my heart to not be able to give my babies my full attention today. Brynja was not happy unless she was being held, and Sawyer was constantly pulling on my hand to go play with him. I did not enjoy leaving Brynja upstairs to cry while I was tucking Sawyer in for the night. And I tried hard not to hurry through bedtime. Sawyer did well considering he was somewhat on his own. But this mama did not.

Ryley and I had a conversation a few nights ago about more babies. I am so blessed to have a husband who shares my desire to have more than two children. But after a day like today, I'm just not sure. Will I be able to give more than 2 or 3 children enough attention to do a good job as a mother?

I'm just praying that tonight is a restful one, and that my heart will be open to whatever God wants to teach me tomorrow.

It's a girl!

Brynja Dawn was born on Saturday, July 23rd at 12:27 p.m. She was 7 pounds 14 ounces, 21 1/2 inches.

My midwife broke my water a little after 9:3o a.m., and contractions quickly followed so I did not need to be induced. Ryley and I walked down to the kitchen and I had some strawberry ice cream and peanut butter toast along with some milk. I stopped in between eating to rock back and forth during contractions. About 45 minutes into it I was no longer able to carry on a conversation. The amazing nurse Julie helped me into the tub where I labored for another hour or so to some relaxing music. Things got so intense and I just couldn't catch my breath. I remember the midwife and the nurse asking me questions and I just couldn't respond or couldn't think beyond the pain. I was glad to be able to labor in the water, but I got overheated and got out when I was starting to feel the urge to push.

I really loved that the midwife never checked to see if I was dilated after she broke my water. She just told me to listen to my body. I remember feeling uncertain and wanting more direction, but finally I gave in to what nature was doing and began to push. She was out in less than 15 minutes.

My brain was not able to wrap itself around the idea that it was over. I continued to brace myself for more contractions while my sweet baby girl was lying on my chest. I finally collected myself to ask if anyone told Ryley if it was a boy or a girl. I had known since January that we were to have a daughter, but he wanted to be surprised. The midwife said, "Why don't you have a look, Ryley?" He leaned over and said, "Yep, it's a boy." I snapped my neck in his direction... thinking "could it be?" But the midwife quickly said, "You better check again." And so it was, that Ryley finally had the daughter he has been hoping for.

We had discussed mostly boy names throughout the pregnancy since Ryley was thinking it would be a boy. But when it came to girl names, we each had a name that we were stuck on. And neither of us seemed willing to budge.

I actually came upon the name "Brynja" an hour before we left for the hospital. We had the name "Bryn" on our long list of girl names, but it just wouldn't work for me since the middle name would be "Dawn" after my late mother. "Bryn Dawn Blair," all one syllable names - I was not feeling that. Anyway, "Brynja" is a Scandinavian name that means "armor."

Sweet Brynja is 3 1/2 weeks old now, and we are settling into a new normal. She is such a blessing. I spent years worrying that I would be stuck with a daughter someday, but of course I knew that if I ever had one I would think back to how naive that was. I just love how God plans everything out for us, and while that doesn't mean life will be easy, I feel so loved that He planned this baby girl to be our daughter. We are in love with her, almost as much as big brother Sawyer is! And Sawyer is finally starting to warm back up to me, too... he was not a fan of mine since she was born.

Pancakes

Here's a homemade pancake recipe that I love. I thought I'd post it for safekeeping and to share.

Just-Like-Restaurant Fluffy (Non)Buttermilk Pancakes (makes 8-10 pancakes):

• 1 cup milk
• 1 Tbls white vinegar
• 1 1/4 cup white flour
• 1/4 cup sugar
• 1 tsp baking soda
• 1 Tbls oil
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 1 egg

Directions:

• Pour the milk and vinegar into a small bowl, allow it to sit for a few minutes. This is your buttermilk substitute.
• Meanwhile, pre-heat a skillet over medium-low heat.
• Combine all of the dry ingredients into a bowl and stir.
• Add the egg to the milk bowl, gently mix together. Then pour all of the liquid into the flour bowl.
• Mix the wet and dry ingredients together until most of the lumps are out.
• Lightly grease the pan and pour about 1/4 cup of batter for each pancake. Allow them to cook slowly (it will take a few minutes) and flip once the bottom is golden and the edges start drying out. Once they have been flipped they won’t take long to finish cooking, maybe another minute or so.

The End is Near

Today was a roller coaster sort of day. I was up around 5:00 a.m., restless with no signs of labor. I took a bath and started getting ready for the day. Then, I had a strong indication of my body making progress in the preparation to give birth. Not a telltale sign like water breaking or intense contractions, but a definite, indisputable event nonetheless. (I try not to give too much information in case there are any gentleman reading)

With my patience renewed by this event, I decided that Sawyer and I would hitch a ride with him on his way to work. He dropped us off at his mom's, where his sister and our new niece are visiting. I became an aunt on June 28th, and I still hadn't met sweet baby Blair since they live a few hours away and we thought I'd be giving birth shortly after. Anyway, we had a sweet morning getting acquainted with Blair and visiting with my sister-in-law and mother-in-law. Sawyer even got brave enough to give Blair a kiss. I didn't use my camera, and I'm kicking myself for that now!

Ryley picked us up and we headed home. Sawyer went down for a nap, and shortly after I headed to the clinic for another appointment with my midwife. I arrived a few minutes before the scheduled time. I watched other patients arrive, 3 of them pregnant (but not as far along as me), and they all continue to get called back for their appointments. 35 minutes later, and I am fighting to hold back my tears of frustration. I was having contractions (like I've been having on and off for 2 weeks), I was very uncomfortable, and I am starting to give into the exhaustion. I feel like I have been fighting a mental breakdown for the last few days.

I finally get called back and it is near impossible to hold back my tears. My blood pressure was quite a bit higher than it had been. Jeanie (the midwife) walked in and said, "It's time to be done now, isn't it?" She didn't expect me to still be pregnant. 16 days overdue now. She said even if I was still trying to be patient, it's time to put a date on the calendar for an induction.

I was 4 1/2 cm dilated today and over 80% effaced. She said she would expect labor to start within 24 hours of what happened this morning. But just in case, she called the hospital and argued with the charge nurse about getting me an induction date.

She explained to me that many practitioners call the hospital 1-2 months ahead of their patients' due dates, and often they schedule the induction dates for 1-3 weeks before the due dates. So many of the inductions occurring this week are women who were due a month AFTER me. Being of similar philosophy to myself about labor and delivery, this frustrates her that someone who wants nature to take its course... and then it doesn't... has a hard time getting in to the hospital ASAP.

My midwife was willing to come in on a weekend to induce me, and she managed to get me on the calendar for this Saturday, July 23rd. So at the latest, I will be in labor about 36 hours from now.

Still praying that this baby starts to come on its own. But I was so grateful that I left Jeanie feeling empowered, encouraged, and cared for. And even excited for the chance to have my birth plan carried out. She told me that even if things don't go how I had hoped, even if I need to be induced via pitocin, she said, "I will get you through this" and it will be as close to my goals as she can get it. It's so good to feel understood at this point in my pregnancy, and to know I am in the care of someone who genuinely is doing just that... caring.

Can't wait to hold you in my arms, sweet baby of mine.