Sweet Summertime

Still Shocked...

So apparently I have less than 7 weeks to go until my due date. Not a day has gone by that I don't think "Is this really happening?" I am in awe daily of what God has done.

It has been something like 24 weeks since I became aware of the life I will bring into this world. It has been quite a ride. I can say that Ryley and I have been savoring the last months of "just us," living in the moment yet still looking forward to what is to come. For me, it has been a time of reflection on my life. How did the way I was raised affect who I am today? And how will my personality affect my child? What are my hopes and dreams for this child? So many things to ponder and think on, so much to look forward to, so much to be thankful for.

Of course, thinking about becoming a mother makes me think about the type of mother I had. It has become so real to me how much she put her whole heart into her children. How both my mom and dad spent so much time with us. I think about how my brother and I played sports year-round, and there was never a game at home or away where we didn't have a parent there to watch. Both of my parents also coached us. How amazing is that?

I have been enjoying the small things along the way during this pregnancy. I haven't taken for granted the days I have been able to sleep in. Or how easy it is to spend time swimming or going on walks with my sweet dogs. The way Ryley looks at me, and how he pats my belly each morning when he kisses me goodbye. Countless blessings and sweet moments.

Ryley has been working so very hard. He acquired a lot more land this crop season compared with the last. He has been working anywhere between 60-100 hours just about all summer, and he is just gearing up for fall harvest, his busiest time of the year. He also became a seed representative, which will bring him more work starting this winter and in the years to come. It has been stressful; I wish he could come with to every doctor appointment and be there at night to help me with the things I want done before the baby is here. But we do what we can, and we know it will all work out just fine.

This past weekend I was richly blessed with a visit from my dad and Debi. My dad is always very eager to do things for us around the house. He washed all the windows inside and out, mowed the lawn, cleaned out the entire garage, put some pictures on the wall, and completed countless other small cleaning and fixing projects. Debi blessed me with great conversation, helped me clean out the nursery and paint it. I feel so much more content and less overwhelmed by everything they got done! They both have generous servant hearts.

And so, that is where I'm at. Yesterday I ordered the crib and changing tower...even though we don't plan to have the baby in the nursery for a few months. But you always have to keep your plan flexible, right? Anyway, it was exciting and relieving to have that decision out of the way.

June

Here's what we've been up to. We had the privilege of standing up in Ryley's youngest sister's wedding on June 5th. It was amazing to watch these two young people join their lives together for God's glory...I met Heather when she was 15 and I was 20, and she has become a beautiful young woman, inside and out. Her husband, BJ, has been a great addition to the family, and we absolutely adore him. I am so thankful for Heather and BJ as my family...and it makes life that much sweeter when they are also a few of my dearest friends!

I was 20 weeks pregnant over the wedding weekend, in case you were wondering. Here's another picture of my "progress"...this one was at 19 weeks (in May).

And so June has proved to be an eventful month. I am now 27 years old. And 5 years ago today was our wedding day.

It's been an amazing 5th year of marriage; I'd say our best yet. We grew up a lot, pursued starting a family, and I have an even deeper love and respect for my dear husband. I'm almost 23 weeks pregnant now, and we have shared so many life-changing moments in these past 12 months...like the first time he felt the baby moving 5 weeks ago, or farther back when we were dreaming of our child who we thought lived in a distant land. I'm excited to see what God has planned for us. And I'm looking forward to many more years with the man I love most in this world.

Where to start...

So I haven't had a post in 3 months. This is what has been going on.

On Sunday, March 1st I had our I-800A all set to be dropped off at FedEx Monday morning, destination the Immigration lock box in Chicago, IL. Monday morning I came down with the flu, which persisted through Wednesday. Finally, on Thursday morning, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. and started getting ready for work. After I got out of the shower and started with my makeup, I thought I better throw something in the garbage that I had forgotten about. I went to throw the item in the garbage, but just before I released my fingers......

It was an at-home pregnancy test. With a plus sign. GASP! I did not expect this. I was just taking my quarterly test, since my cycles are unpredictable it's become routine...I honestly didn't think my "flu" was actually pregnancy symptoms! Complete shock, disbelief, and panic followed. I rushed into the bedroom where Ryley was sleeping and woke him up with the news. I started crying, more panic, more shock. Quickly finished getting ready for work and stopped off at a store to get another test on my way there. Took the test when I arrived at the office...mind you, I am the first one there. Positive. I call Ryley..."I'm still pregnant." It's 7:30 a.m. by this time, and I call the clinic. "I have two tests that say I'm pregnant. I've never done this before, what do I do now?" They tell me to come in for lab work at 11:00 a.m.

The morning rushes by in a blur, and there I am at the doctor's office. They give me a cup to pee in. I said, "I'm sorry, I don't want to urinate in this cup. Is this necessary? I've already peed on 2 sticks that say I'm pregnant. Is there someone I can talk to about what I'm supposed to do? It's okay if I have to wait a week, but I just want to see a nurse or doctor."

5 minutes later, I'm laying on the exam table...seeing the fetus on the screen, hearing its heartbeat. The doctor was saying, "How long have you and your husband been trying?" Since never. She says, "Oh it's so exciting!" I started crying. I'm sorry I'm not excited right now! I took my ultrasound pictures and went back to the office.

That was almost 3 months ago! It's hard to believe how much has changed already. I want you to know that I never wished (even in the middle of my panic and shock) that this baby didn't happen. It's just that we were doing everything to prevent it because we felt called to adopt our firstborn. Not that we never wanted biological children. And if we were allowed to continue pursuing the adoption, we would have continued without hesitation. But our agency (and many agencies, from what I understand) would not allow that. What I had emotionally invested and planned on, all the work we had been through to get to that point...an afterthought being the money that we had put in. I needed a few weeks to adjust.

God has always had a bigger plan than I can imagine. My husband and I both agree that adoption is still a desire of our heart, and we hope it happens for us down the road. We are still brokenhearted for the precious children without homes. And now, God willing, we will have a sweet baby sometime this fall. It has been a challenge to my faith to understand, and I still don't understand. But I do know what an immense blessing this child is and will be. I know that the good Lord created this baby, despite all our prevention, and this child is meant to be our firstborn. This child was created to be ours. And how can we argue with that?

We are looking forward to starting our family! A little quicker than we had anticipated because of the adoption timeline...but God is so good!

The process...and dogs

For those of you wondering where we're at in the process, we received a draft of our adoption study (aka home study) last week, sent the corrections to our Social Worker, and should receive the final legal document this week (hopefully). Our I-800A is ready to be sent of to the USCIS (U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services), and we will do just that as soon as we receive the final adoption study.

And if you're wondering what an I-800A is: it is an application for determination of suitability to adopt a child from a different country. The particular country we are applying to adopt from, according to our agency's country program specialist, requires by law that this application be approved in the U.S. before we can submit our dossier to that country. And so...word on the street is that our I-800A will take 3-4 months to be processed. Once approved, we will send our dossier to the country and hopefully be accepted to their list of waiting families. And then the wait for a referral begins. Our agency estimates 9-12 months for a referral (after we are on the official waiting list), and then 5-8 months after we accept a referral until the child is ready to travel. So we are being conservative and going with the longest scenario, planning on a 2 year wait. Of course, international adoption is unpredictable, and we aren't even on a waiting list yet, so this is why I am not ready to put on our blog which country we believe our child is from. Many of you know, anyway.

In the meantime, I wake up each morning with a longing in my heart for this child who I pray unceasingly for. The idea of waiting for 2 years gets me down sometimes. But then, I just ask God to pour out his Spirit on my life and heart, and that He will use me. God always meets me where I'm at...whether it be through Scripture, loving words from my husband, or encouragement through new "blog friends" who are somewhere in their adoption journey. And as for the God using me part...more on that in a different post, as I really want to share what the Lord is doing in my life.

So, while we wait...here's some doggy pictures from the last month.

Dale came to visit!!! Left to Right: Maddy, Macy, and Dale. Maddy is the mama to Macy and Dale. Dale's owner is my stepsister, Rachel. In this picture, they are eating ice cream for dogs called "Frosty Paws." I know my girls would have less happy life without their ice cream...haha.

Dale, Maddy, and Macy...waiting for their ice cream.

Dale, Maddy, Macy...just lounging.

Macy, Maddy, and me. We are champion snugglers.

We call Ryley our "papa." He's a good papa...he made ants on a log for us girls. I forgot until after ate them that dogs are not supposed to have grapes...or the dehydrated version.

And so, we settle in for another work week. Walleye fishing season ends today, so we are about to head out to the ice shack for one last hurrah. Then my dad will be making his way over here at the end of the week for a guys' weekend...the boys will be heading to South Dakota to do some more ice fishing. I think Ryley will enjoy his fishing time without his girls bugging him...but I know he'll miss us. I'm so thankful that Ryley and my dad are good friends.

Holiday in Jamaica

Finally posting pictures from our vacation in January. There is one picture in this set of our good friends, Ryan and Marianne, who took care of Maddy and Macy for 8 nights. Which is amazing to me...they already have 2 great danes of their own, 2 cats, and a baby! It was so nice to know that our dogs were well taken care of, though...

Ryley and I had a great time in Jamaica, and it was such a blessing to have a whole week together. We were very stressed out before we went. Our first home study visit, as I mentioned, was the day before our flight was scheduled to depart for Montego Bay.

On that afternoon of our meeting with our Social Worker, she informed us of a program that was opening up, an opportunity to adopt from Ecuador. Right now, Children's Home is the only U.S. agency that can facilitate adoptions from Ecuador. She said the program was looking for around 10 families for referrals that would be occurring in March and April. We were so confused, as all of a sudden so many options had opened up.

Anyway, our adoption was and remains to be at the forefront of our minds. So getting away with my best friend to relax and enjoy ourselves really couldn't have come at a better time. We truly did focus on our love for each other while we were away from reality. Oh, and by the way, we did not go with the Ecuador program, as tempting as it was to potentially receive a referral so quickly.

FINALLY telling my in-laws...

We are getting ready to share our plans to start a family with Ryley's parents tonight! I'm very excited and nervous, all at the same time. I have left the timing of this announcement up to Ryley, and now it's finally here. They at least have some indication of our desire to adopt, as it has been mentioned before, but they have no knowledge that we are actually moving forward.

After we tell them, I feel like we can share this news with the "general public." Although, I struggle on how private we should be...especially since this will be a long road ahead and it seems almost trivial to share something that will (hopefully) happen two years from now. But I dream of this child every day, so it's all very real to me.

I look forward to sharing the country program we have applied to soon, along with all the details. Although I still haven't shared this blog with very many people...

Waiting on God

We are waiting on God to give us clear direction in our adoption journey. We have been praying, discussing, and listening. It's frustrating, but I am confident that God will light our path. That at the end of this path, we will meet our precious firstborn, and this child will be who God has planned for us, and we will be blessed.

For those wondering about where we're at in the process. Our first adoption study meeting is this Thursday, January 8th at the agency. We will be staying overnight in the Twin Cities to catch our plane on Friday morning for a vacation we have been planning for the past year. We get back to Minnesota on January 16th, and then our in-home meeting with our social worker is scheduled for Tuesday, January 20th. Exciting times! We are expecting to announce our plans to everyone soon, and hopefully be able to tell everyone the program we are applying to. After January 20th, we will be working on country program specific paperwork and documentation.

God continues to work, to provide, to surround us with reaffirmation and comfort through friends, conversations, and sweet moments together dreaming of starting a family. I continue to be amazed at how God surrounds me with His love, specifically how He provides encouragement at the exact moment I need it. There have been a few times in the past few weeks that I've broken down. When I look at the uncertainty of what's ahead, sometimes I grow impatient. The desire to be a mama wells up in my heart with each passing day...and the prospect of waiting up to 2 years to bring home our child overwhelms me. What would I do with myself for that long? The answer has come to me. I will fix my eyes on God, commit to serving wherever He calls me, and trust in His timing.

Oh, and maybe get another puppy or kitty to occupy my maternal instincts...and enjoy my friend's children.

Hebrews 12:1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

Home From PAC...Choosing Our Path

We were incredibly blessed by attending the 2-day Pre-Adoption Class. We were challenged and reaffirmed by the information and material that was presented. To give you just a little bit of an idea of what the days were like: we were assigned a "small group" that had a social worker as the facilitator. She did a lot of teaching and we did some exercises in getting to know other couples, talking through the questions and challenges of adopting, and race issues. There were also large groups that included panels of birth mothers/adoptees/adoptive families, videos about attachment issues which included actual footage of the children waiting in orphanages around the world, videos and presentations on race and culture issues. Lots and lots of information.

But something happened when we were in St. Paul. My husband really came alive. The first day I was so happy to see him asking questions and engaging people. The second day there were sessions that were country program specific. We had signed up for the country program we had decided on. But at the last minute, I mean literally within 10 minutes of the session starting, he asked if he could go on his own to another country program session. And so he went, while I stayed in the other session.

When we met back up I had lots of questions about what he had learned. He told me he would share with me on our way home, which was in 5 hours.

We went to dinner. He shared his heart, explained his feelings from all angles. To give you just a little bit of an idea, the country program he is interested is extremely unpredictable, requires more work on our part, and is actually a pilot program. The country program we have been planning on is extremely predictable and comparitively easier than virtually all other international programs, in our opinion. I was so touched by Ryley's sentiment and drawing to this other program. So now we are faced with a choice. We will move forward, but we are unsure about where our child is. My husband is completely prepared for a difficult road ahead if we choose this other country program. He is willing to endure anything to find his child. And I am absolutely inspired about my husband's heart for the orphans. I can't wait to see where God leads us, how He will grow our family.

Psalm 25:4, 12 Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths;...Who, then, is the man that fears the LORD? He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.

Hebrews 11:8 By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.

PAC Dec. 18 & 19

We received our invitation to attend our required pre-adoption class on Nov. 28th! I just got off the phone with the Director of Social Work at Children's Home Society who has reviewed our application and even presented our file to the country program we are hoping for, and they both agreed that we are excellent candidates for adopting! God is so good...I've been worried about a brush with the law that occurred when I was 19, and it appears this won't be an issue for the program we are interested in. We've also been struggling with cash flow issues, as we have a lot of expenses this time of year (including taxes on Ryley's farm income). To make a long story short, I know God will provide and it will work out...it's just difficult to not be able to see how. But that's what faith is, right? His timing is perfect.

We were able to share the news of our plans to adopt with a few of our friends at Lake Community Church yesterday, and we were very blessed by that! Our dear friend, Anna, even prayed over us. I am always amazed at the power of speaking a prayer over someone. And then I was able to share an intimate conversation with Deb, who we haven't had a whole lot of time to get to know...but she is a mother that I will strive to be like. She has a deep love for her children, and anyone she comes into contact with, for that matter! Both Anna and Deb are so compassionate, and I am always reminded of who Jesus is in their presence.

Ryley was able to go ice fishing again yesterday with our friend, John. My sweet husband has had such a stressful few months, and I could tell his demeanor was more relaxed when he got home from fishing. I am very much looking forward to the harvest being done! Hopefully this week, although we are supposed to get 3-6 inches of snow in the next 24 hours.

Thanks to everyone who has been encouraging and praying for us. We are so blessed.

Deuteronomy 7:9 Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands.