Overwhelmed

It has been such a long time since I wrote on my public blog. Life has been overwhelming for me in that there are so many things up in the air right now. Throughout the past 3 months we have been working on business deals for Ryley that seemed solid one day and gone the next. Thankfully that has been worked out as of this week.

Our house of five years, which was up for sale for about 2 months back in August, was put back on the market in April. We received an offer 5 days later. Given the current real estate market, we were surprised and excited. Especially since we had found the perfect house one week prior to that offer. After an inspection and then an extension of the inspection contingency which kept me on pins and needles, it looks like we will close on the sale of our house in mid-June.

The dream home... didn't work out. It wasn't that we couldn't afford the asking price, but it was the fact that the sellers are above a realistic price in this market and would not budge after 3 weeks of offers and counter offers.

We set out to sell our house because we wanted to upgrade and to get out of town. We have good neighbors, but we don't want neighbors this close anymore. We knew we would have to take less than the price we purchased it for in order to sell it, but we stood to gain more on a house worth twice or three times more.

That was the only home on the market that met our needs with the idea of making it our last move through our child rearing years.

I have about 7 weeks left until my due date. No place to call home. It is not easy to find a house to rent in this area without signing a 12-month lease and shipping our dogs off temporarily.

I fluctuate between panic, ignorance, laziness, urgency... I realize that it would be very nice to at least be settled somewhere before this baby comes. But I find it hard to stay on task and focus the rare spurts of energy into being productive.

All I have to cling to is the hope that someday I will look back and see that all this emotional distress got us to a better place. I hope that better place is a house that truly feels like home, where I will raise all my babies and welcome grandchildren one day. But maybe where we're going isn't the perfect home. Maybe there is another purpose to it all. So I try not to wonder what it might be or worry in the meantime... I will try just to enjoy the ride and not let the unknowns get in the way of the precious moments in life. Like how my son will sometimes hold my face and kiss me so long that it starts to get awkward (for me, but not him). Or the moment when I will hold this next baby in my arms and introduce Sawyer to his sibling, and how Ryley will finally get the surprise of finding out the sex of this child when he or she is born.

At least God knows where we're going.

God is So Good

Life has been "busy," as it is for everyone in just about every stage of the game. For me, it has been a season of growth... both physically and emotionally. Back in early October, I was busy planning Sawyer's birthday party as well as making plans for a late winter vacation with my very best friend and our husbands to Jamaica. We booked the vacation, and Sawyer's birthday was at the end of October. 4 days after his birthday on November 2nd, I was at home that day and found out in the afternoon that I was expecting. Ryley was busy combining his corn not far from our house. I packed Sawyer up and drove out to find him, sure to bring the test along. I was a bit nervous because I thought he might be a little disappointed since we wouldn't be going on our tropical vacation anymore. When we found him and he climbed into the pickup for a short visit, I got Sawyer out of his car seat and I said, "Are you going to tell Papa your news? That you're going to be a big brother?" Ryley did not believe me at first. I took out the test to show him, and he thought maybe I was playing a joke and it was the test from finding out with Sawyer (gross! I did NOT keep that old test).

It was a surprise for sure, but it was different than the last one. We were both very happy and excited right away. So excited, in fact, that we could not pass up the opportunity to share the news with our immediate family just 5 days later at Sawyer's birthday party. We were lucky enough to have all of our siblings and parents there with no extra guests before the party started. Everyone was very surprised!

We had been planning to discuss adding to our family while on our vacation next month. I am so floored by how blessed I am to have 2 surprise pregnancies. I have never felt so loved by the Lord than the last 2 years of my life. He chooses to bless His children in ways they don't deserve... and I will never understand why I have the privilege of carrying these two babies of mine.

I don't know why I dismissed our Caribbean vacation when we found out, but we are still going. I think that's the right decision. I am now 5 months pregnant, and it will be good for our marriage to have some alone time between babies. I will be absolutely heartbroken to leave my boy, but I know I have to put Ryley first.

Speaking of my boy. Life with him is very sweet and busy. He is just getting over a respiratory virus that led to the end of my breastfeeding. Of course, I was down to only twice a day and I was going to have to end it before I was away from him for 8 days. But it was very sad for me. I could have ended it months ago - he doesn't seem to mind where he gets milk from. So it wasn't a question of weaning, but rather my emotions. I thought it would be easier knowing I had another on the way; and maybe it softened the emotional sadness for me, but I will never nurse him again and that is a thing I have to get over. You'd think I'd be elated to give my jugs a 4-month break, but being a mama isn't about me, you know?

It's so funny to think back to 22 months ago when I found out I was going to have Sawyer. I resolved to make it a goal that I would breastfeed 6 months. And part of my reason was I thought it'd help me lose weight. Well, it did not help me lose weight like some other women but I couldn't have cared less. And there I was with a child over 1 year old, still pumping when I was at work. I know people at the office thought I was a nut job, but it never phased me at all.

Even with another baby on the way, I still long for my little boy to be a baby. He has grown to be quite stubborn and independent when he's awake, but he really has been like a dream so far. He knew nights were for sleeping from the get-go and sleeps 12 hours straight and has done that for months. I can put him down to nap or for bed without any trouble.

But I don't always just lay him down for naps - for selfish reasons. I've found myself rocking him down for his naps, just to hold him while he's sleeping. I just stare at his sweet, peaceful face and let the tears go. Every day that I'm home with him, I do this. Because I know deep in my heart that while my love for him will continue to grow, and because our days like this are dwindling. He is growing up fast, and soon there will be a new baby to attend to. Things will change, but my love will follow him wherever he is. I pray constantly that the Lord will help me to not hold him too tightly, for his sake first and foremost, but also for my own. From the day that little boy was born, I knew life with him would be about learning to let him go.

And so I also look forward to this next baby, wondering if my heart will burst with love from having 2 babies. And what happens when we have a third, a fourth, a fifth child, Lord willing? Will my heart be strong enough? My love is strong enough, I am sure of that. And I know if I cling to the Lord, my heart will not break into pieces with love for my babies.

October 29

I just noticed that I had this draft that I started on Nov. 9th, so even though it's over a month late, I'll post in anyway. Here's just a few photos from Sawyer's actual birthday. I woke him up early at 7:00 a.m. and we headed off towards the Twin Cities to meet up with my dear friend, Marianne and her son Ben. Then the 4 of us traveled on to the Mall of America, destination Underwater World. Even though he won't remember it, I had fun doing something special for his birthday. The only thing that would've made it more perfect is if papa could've come with, but he was busy with harvest.

That night we got home and had pizza and fried chicken. Sawyer opened his gift from us, and he absolutely loved it - a Caterpillar dump truck that he can also ride on. And of course, he had his first taste of a cupcake. The day was so busy, but it was perfect.

Ben and Sawyer

Sawyer's First Year

So hopefully I will get back to consistent blogging again soon now that Sawyer's birthday party has come and gone.

Here's the slideshow I made that we showed at his birthday party! Don't forget to pause my blog music before you start the video.

And if you liked it, I'd sure love to hear from you! I might not leave this up for long, as I always go back and forth with keeping some things private.

Almost 1

I have been lax, yet again, with keeping up with the blog. A combination of being crazy busy at work, Ryley being gone with harvest, and planning Sawyer's birthday party. I've also been trying to work on my fitness a bit for an upcoming beach vacation.

Anyway, let's get to the point. Sawyer is turning 1 year old in 2 days. I can't believe it. Time has gone by so quickly since I've been married, but this year has seemed like days. I must admit, that while it's been fun to watch Sawyer grow and learn, I am feeling very melancholy about the fact that he is growing up.

I am still breastfeeding him. It's been a battle for the last two months because of my low milk supply, which comes from a combination of him sleeping 12 hours at night and my being away from him 3 days/week. I think the people at work think I'm crazy, still heading to the bathroom with my pump bag 3-4 times per day. Not that I would ever care, of course.

But our time as a breastfeeding pair is quickly drawing to a close. About a month ago I sat down to nurse him, and he latched on as usual, but after a few seconds he stopped and pulled back, looking at my breast and then up at me as if to say, "Is this really appropriate?" He then proceed to study my breast, and then even poke at it. Even though he's my baby, I will admit that I was embarassed. Isn't that funny? But it was downright awkward.

Even though I know this time will be over (and in fact, I think he's ready for it to be over), I think I press on because I feel like if I am still breastfeeding him, he is still a baby. Duh, I know that's not true. But still. I really wish he was my baby forever. Cue pause in typing to wipe my tears.

Caught in the Act

I'm still playing catch-up here on some of my favorite photos. These are from September 9th. That morning I was in the living room, folding clothes, when suddenly it was very quiet. I found Sawyer in his cabinet (where I keep all his food-related items).

Oh hi ma.

I'm just eating these here baby puffs I found.

I do what I want.

Mischief at its finest.

A handful is barely enough

Are they in?

So 12 photos on one minor event, but I can't resist. His different expressions are priceless to me!

"Baby Joseph"

This probably isn't very interesting to anyone else but Debi, but I promised to ut these pictures up. So here's the backdrop to this story. Sawyer and I made the journey to Wisconsin one weekend. His Memaw enjoys doing everything with him, including helping out with bath time.

She was snuggling him in his towel, and her purple headband happened to come out of her hair. So she put it on Sawyer's head and called him "Baby Joseph." It was too funny. Then she paraded him around, singing songs. He loved it.

Showing Bumpa

Hamming it up

He thoroughly enjoyed the attention

His wrinkled nose look

LOVE!

Lead Me With Strong Hands - Part 1

Lead me with strong hands

Stand up when I can't

Don't leave me hungry for love

Chasing dreams

But what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight

That I'm still the love of your life

I know we call this our home

But I still feel alone

The first time I heard this song, Sawyer and I had stopped to take a break from driving, en route to my dad's house in Wisconsin. It doesn't happen very often that a song really speaks to my heart. I love that about music... I have a few songs that were themes to different chapters in my life. When I hear an old "soundtrack" to my life, it always brings me back, and often reminds me of how much the good Lord has done in my life.

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot in this season of my life about how fathers and husbands so greatly affect the lives of children and wives (the message of the song). When I feel like Ryley is giving me the attention, affection, and encouragement I desire from him, I feel like I can conquer the world; there is no person on earth that can boost my confidence like he can.

Additionally, I think about the impact he will have on the direction of Sawyer's and our future children's lives. Ryley has such a crucial job to do as a father who loves God. And God lays out a blueprint for doing that job well through His Word and His Spirit. Of course, Ryley will make mistakes, and God's grace will cover those.

Those thoughts lead to how my father affected my life. There are harsh words that still ring in my ears from my childhood... remind me of how my dad could not usually control his anger. And I don't say this to put my dad down; none of us do a perfect job. Though it wasn't until my adult years that I really felt I had a good relationship with my dad, I have watched him surrender his heart to God and begin to change and respond to the needs of those around him. I have so much respect and adoration for how far he's come. He has not had an easy life: a tumultuous childhood, including having only met his father once when he was in his mid-twenties. Losing his high school sweetheart who became his wife at age 41, left with two teenagers. The transformation I have witnessed in his life, especially in the last 10 years, has been amazing, glory to God.

Back to me and my dad. When I was growing up, even though he was hard on my sometimes, I remember how devoted he was. He has always made sacrifices for me; paying for college when the medical bills from my mom's sickness and passing were piled up. Hanging pictures, building a deck, and countless other things he's done since I've been married that Ryley was too busy for. When Sawyer was born he was there to take care of the house while we were in the hospital for 5 days and Ryley was working. When we came home from the hospital, I was still fairly weak and couldn't get around well... he stayed for nearly a week, cooking and cleaning, taking care of me. Without him, I would've been completely on my own.

And now, I notice how every time he looks at me, I can see how proud he is of me. Of course I don't deserve it, and I feel lucky to have a father who would absolutely go to the ends of the earth for me. I wonder if one ever stops seeking their father's approval... how many actually get it?

You guessed it, take it a step further. How much does our Father in heaven love us? Adore us? Want to do good things for us, take care of us? Even though we are undeserving, even though we fail. And so our earthly fathers must look to the only perfect Father-God, to mirror Him in their relationships with their children and wives.

So I'm praying for dads today, and thanking my Father for my dad.

What's Troubling You?

Do you worry and wonder a lot? About finances? Relationships? Your future?

I tend to be one of those people who, when I get a new idea in my head... (adoption, vacation, house hunting, my marriage, etc.) I tend to focus so much of my time on the particular issue of the moment, whether it be through research, worry, or just thinking about it.

In an attempt to balance my life, I've been really trying to look beyond thoughts that can dominate my mind (whether they are commendable or completely selfish). Of course, it's easy to pick out the thoughts that are completely self-serving... I want a different house, but I certainly don't need one. And really, time spent dreaming of a new home does not change or benefit anything.

But then, I have spent so much time on and off in the past few years on the idea of adoption. Looking at different agencies, programs, etc. While it is good to care about orphans around the world, I'm not sure that spending huge blocks of time on it really benefits me at this point. It certainly hasn't led to anything! While I of course still have a burden on my heart to care for orphans, I certainly want it to be directed in a way that actually helps those abandoned, precious children out there. And I also don't want to neglect my own child in my "obsession" with wondering whether I will have the privilege of adopting one day.

At this season in my life, while my husband toils and worries constantly about harvest, I keep reminding myself to get a new perspective. Back up a bit to harvest... it is raining constantly here, which makes it near impossible to chop silage or combine corn, and also puts the crop in danger of a range of things, including mold on the soybeans which would cause damage that leads to loss. In this farm family, it's hard to escape worry because of farming. Constantly worrying about variables like market prices and weather especially. Right now, as it is raining yet again, I know my husband is out there burdened with frustration and worry. And I have resolved myself to not ask about it, because there's no sense in both of us being in that state of mind.

I've received so many reminders over the past week that check my perspective and challenge me to constantly look at the big picture. 9/11/2001 footage and commentaries. A sweet friend who briefly listened to my frustration about the rain and the affect on the crop, who shared with me that she felt led to pray for Ryley's safety. And think about that - of course I'd rather him live to see another harvest than make any amount of profit from farming.

Most sobering was my conversation yesterday with a friend who is in the process of sending their dossier to Haiti. In the midst of their wait to bring home their two priceless daughters, an infant and a 2 1/2 year old, I asked if she had received an update on her beautiful girls. Among a few other updates, she was happy that her daughters are now receiving 3 meals a day instead of the 1. And the 3 meals they are now receiving are rice.

Whatever is going on in your life right now, is it really worth worrying about it? My goal this week is to look for opportunities to meet the needs of someone else, and to be sensitive and grateful to the many ways which I am blessed.

food

So if you know Sawyer, you know the boy loves his food. We haven't found much he doesn't like. Only 3 things: peas, avocado, and apricot. I've been told that I need to take a video of when we feed him with a spoon; anyone who has witnessed it says "I've never seen a baby eat like that!" Because as soon as you take the spoon out of his mouth, it's wide open again for the next bite. Which is nice, because it's not as messy.

Anyway, we have found that he is much more content when he can feed himself. On Thursday, my day at home, we started the morning with banana buckwheat pancakes (slices of banana dipped in the pancake batter...great finger food!). For lunch, I made him some steamed vegetables (sweet potato, summer squash, broccoli, and carrot) with pasta and cubes of mozzarella cheese. It was the first time he ate a whole meal that didn't include anything pureed. Here's the progression:

Hmmmm...what do we have here?
I will try this.

Thinking...

Perhaps I will scout my next bite...

He likes it!

I think the boy gets his love of food from me. He gets so excited about his meal times that he flaps his arms and looks like he might fly away. But try to give him peas...and a meltdown ensues. It's a letdown for him.