March 5th, 2009

One year ago today, my life changed. It was the first time I realized I was carrying Sawyer's precious life. You can read about that story here. These are just some thoughts running through my head today...they are scattered, so we'll see if they make sense to anyone but myself.

That was the most shocking day of my life. I always thought that the day I found out I was pregnant, I would be overcome with excitement and when I told my husband, we would jump up and down for joy. Since it wasn't something we were pursuing, I instead was panicked and terrified. Not at all because I didn't want a baby...it was just the last thing I expected.

It took me a few weeks to adjust. But much to my surprise, as I've mentioned before, I had an easy and enjoyable pregnancy. I really enjoyed each day and I was living in the moment.

Now, as you know, my sweet baby is 4 months old. A few people have commented that having a baby hasn't really changed me drastically like they've seen it change other people. I don't really know exactly what that means...maybe just because I'm not sleep deprived (yet, at least)? I think I understood the breadth of how life would change, but of course no one can understand the depth in which your focus changes until they have their first child. I didn't have a revelation about the meaning of life, I already knew it. I think I have just become more sensitive to realizing that everyone I meet is someone's child, so I try to be more kind. And to take it one step further, everyone I meet is God's creation...and He loves His children more than I love Sawyer.

I think my constant awareness of my mortality and how short life is has become even more intense than before. I treasure each moment I have with my boy, as they are all gifts from God. And we all know how fast children grow up, so I just try to savor each look, each touch...even when he is hollering at me. I think this outlook on life has made me care less about what people think of me, less apt to waste my time on things that don't matter.

Time is so much more precious than things. I would rather live in a cardboard box with Ryley and Sawyer than live a life working towards worldly success or possessions.

I have known great joy in this past year. In the sweet moments I shared with my husband, sharing our last days as a family of two. Watching him become a papa. The quiet times holding my son, his first smiles, the way he gazed at me in wonder in the first few months. Amazing friends that have shown me so much love in celebrating the arrival of our firstborn. Watching my dad and stepmom meet their first grandchild. How they blessed us with help only they could provide by making two trips to take care of us in the few weeks after Sawyer arrived. And every time they are with him, they absolutely adore him and I am so very thankful that he has amazing grandparents that will make a positive impact on his life. To watch Sawyer be so loved by his grandparents, aunts, uncles, and others has made my heart soar.

I wish I could better explain those moments when he was brand new; how he studied me and I could feel his concentration...I will always have my stepmom's voice in my head narrating as she did in those first few weeks when Sawyer and I would stare at each other, and she'd say, "are you my pretty mommy?" and she made me believe that's what he was thinking. The first weeks when you and your child are just getting to know each other are absolutely precious.

I feel like my life is a crescendo that continues to build. Of course we have hard times, and I probably haven't seen the worst of it yet. But this time I'm living, full of hopes and dreams for Sawyer and the future of our family...well, my cup is overflowing. And I am so in love with my precious child, and even more deeply in love with our Creator.