Long Sawyer Video

Nothing spectacular, just a normal moment with Sawyer.

Hungry Boy

So as I mentioned in the previous post, Sawyer is in the routine of hollering at me before he eats. It never stops being funny to me (and anyone else within earshot).

All about the boy.

Time with Gramma.

Watching the game, rooting for the Pack!

Meeting Pam and our godchild, Carli (Pam is Carli's gramma).

Macy. Still in love with her boy.

Silly boy.

Ryley calls this look "casting a spell."

So happy!

As I am writing, both of my boys are asleep. Ryley has been busy at work, and we didn't even get to see him on his birthday (yesterday). He is hauling his soybeans to the buyer he contracted them with, which is about 2 hours away. Last night he took a load over there, and when he arrived there was something broken and he wasn't able to unload until 5:30 am. He spent the night in the truck and didn't even have supper last night. He stopped on the way home this morning to have a big breakfast (alone) and finally arrived here around 11:00 am. He will sleep for a bit and then back to work. I find myself wondering if he will ever truly have a "slow time" of year again, since this is supposed to be the slow time.

Sawyer has been busy being cute. Here's some facts on his life right now:

- He is a very vocal baby.

- He loves spending time playing with his Baby Einstein ocean-themed baby gym. The stuffed octopus seems to be his favorite object, and he loves to bat at it and tell it all about his day.

- He also gets a thrill out of standing up and having a conversation with us.

- He enjoys punching, and giggles when we help him punch his toys or the dogs.

- He goes to bed between 9:30-10:00 pm and wakes up hungry between 5:30-6:00 am. He falls asleep at the end of his feeding and wakes up again between 8:30-9:30 am.

- When we change his diaper, he thinks that it's time to smile and have fun.

- He likes to take a bath in the big tub with his mama. He has never cried during a bath.

- He loves when his papa lays him on the bed and makes the bed bounce. He just laughs and laughs.

- Sawyer sleeps in our bedroom, and we plan to keep it that way for quite awhile.

- I do nurse him and plan to do that as long as I can. He is so funny when it comes to feeding time...he starts hollering at me, and then when he latches on he rubs me with his hands in a circular motion, and often looks up at me to smile.

I go back to work on February 1st. I spent a lot of time heartbroken over the thought of leaving him. It's still hard to think about it, but I am trying to focus on the positive. Our plan is that I will be work 3 days per week. I just don't want to miss anything in his life, especially the first few years. So we will see how it goes...I'm sure he'll be fine, but I'm not so sure about me. I just feel even worse about leaving him since Ryley works so much and I want Sawyer to have one consistent parent.

My Best Friend

Happy Birthday to my best friend, who turns 28 today! 7 years ago today, he the farm he was living on in Indiana with a load of calves headed for the home farm. He swung up to my dad's house in Wisconsin to pick me up. That was the second time I ever saw him...our second date was going to meet his family. After his 21st birthday dinner with his family, we went for a drive and he asked me to be his girl.

So today I've been reflecting on the last 7 years with this wonderful man.

This is last year on his 27th birthday in Jamaica.

Here he is at 26 years old with Macy.

October 2005 with Toby and new puppy, Maddy.

Christmas 2007...just a boy and his dogs.

New papa!

June 2004, our wedding.

My handsome boys.

I can't believe it's been 7 years since I met this wonderful man. He has changed my life...I know the Lord has worked through Ryley at times, and through him the Lord has richly blessed me. I can't imagine a life with anyone else. He is an amazing husband, father, and friend. I am so proud to be his wife. God is so good.

Little Lamb

Here's a picture from this morning. He woke up hungry at 7:00 am and fell back asleep...so I took advantage of the resting time and we napped in my bed since Ryley was gone to work. I snapped this shot after I woke up again...he's such a good sleeper!

So I think this stage of parenting must be the easiest part. He's not crawling or walking to chase after, and he's not repeating everything I say. He is just sweet and innocent. He takes frequent naps, sleeps at least 10 hours per night and only wakes up to eat once. And he is very generous with his smiles.

I know I never wrote about my whole labor experience. When Sawyer was born, he wasn't breathing well. I was so relieved when he was out, and I couldn't believe I did it. After about 5 minutes, I turned to Ryley and I said, "Is he supposed to cry?" They were in the corner of the room cleaning him up, and I couldn't see well because I'm blind without my glasses and there were bright lights shining on me so my doctor could go about the challenging task of stitching me up (which took about an hour). Anyway, so Sawyer is not crying. You'd think I would've been terrified. Of course I was concerned, but I just assumed he'd be fine. A nurse brought him over to me so I could get my first glimpse of my son, and then he was whisked off to the nursery. I didn't get to hold him for the first time until 3 hours later.

He was in the hospital for 5 days. The pediatricians were being cautious with him because of some labwork and other things I don't feel like explaining. The whole time, the nurses kept encouraging me that everything would be fine. It was a little annoying to me because I knew that. I was too busy being frustrated that we couldn't go home. Because I knew in my heart that he was healthy and strong. I couldn't help but feel like he just needed to be with me.

When we did get the green light to bring Sawyer home, I wasn't nervous at all. I haven't spent a lot of time around babies, but I completely trusted my instincts. That first night at home was actually really easy for me. I just laid him down in his bassinett and we slept. I woke up when he called for me, fed him, back to bed. I didn't check him ever so often to see if he was breathing. I didn't lay awake and listen.

Maybe you think I'm a careless mother, or that it's unnatural to be more laid back. Everyone is different I suppose, and I don't think it's necessarily a strength, but it's just me. Who knows if it's just because of Sawyer's personality, or maybe because I'm not an extremely young mother. All I know is that I give glory to God for giving me this peace about my son at this point in my life.

Sawyer is God's child that was given to me, and can be taken from me at any point. So for me, I don't want to obsess about every stuffy nose, or whether or not I should let him sleep on his tummy. Or about the type of bottle I will let him drink out of. I just want to enjoy every moment I get to be with him. I want to remember these smiles he gives me, the time we spend together in the night when the world is sleeping. Because I know life is so short.

And something I do need to work on...holding onto him too tightly. I already think about how it will feel when he goes to school, when he graduates, gets married, etc. This time I am blessed to spend with him will go by too fast. It already is. I just want to take it all in, I don't want to miss anything, and I would like time to slow down, please.

Much to Ryley's dismay, I don't even care about going to Jamaica anymore.

I am bad at titles

Now I'm going to ramble, and it probably won't make sense to anyone but me. I have been thinking a lot lately about expectations.

For example, since I've been married I just assumed that the day we found out we were expecting, whether by adoption or pregnancy, would be a day of excitement. You know, I show Ryley the pregnancy test or show him the referral and we jump up and down and hug each other. The first words out of my mouth when I saw my positive pregnancy stick was "no no no, this can't be happening now." Of course, it wasn't that I didn't want Sawyer. It just wasn't my plan.

Or on the day I gave birth to our firstborn. I pictured Ryley encouraging me, then telling me how proud of me he was and proclaiming his undying love for me and Sawyer. Not that he wasn't happy and proud and loving, but it just wasn't what you see on the movies.

None of these things are bad, it just wasn't how I had pictured things. I didn't plan to be basically on my own for the first two months of Sawyer's life. And I've been busy taking care of him...and left with a lot of time to think.

I thought a lot about how Ryley wasn't meeting my needs. How he isn't thoughtful, how he doesn't express his emotions unless I pry them out of him. You see, he is the type of guy that you have to ask 20 questions to get an understanding of how he's feeling. He just doesn't offer that kind of information up.

It can get unhappy if you dwell on these things. If you focus on things you wish your spouse did.

And why do I do that?

Because I have needs that aren't being met. That I want Ryley to meet, but he just can't meet all of them. Because I look to my husband to fulfill my life when God is the only one who can do that for me.

When did I start measuring my happiness by whether or not my marriage was meeting my expectations?

And your probably thinking...poor Ryley...maybe she should focus on being a helpful wife. Well if you ask him, he has no complaints about our marriage, or what type of wife I am. He thinks I'm doing a great job. Which makes it more complicated to explain to him how I feel.

Anyway, the fact of the matter is that he is a great husband. And rather than write a thousand words on why he is such a good man, just trust me on it.

So I apologized to him the other night for being silently dissatisfied with his lack of thoughtfulness and expressing his love for me. And I repented to God that I was putting my marriage first rather than my relationship with Him. Because ONLY HE can fill the emptiness in my heart. ONLY THE LORD can be my everything.

And everything the Lord has blessed me with is good. He is writing a story that is much more exciting than what you see in the movies. If my life was my ideal, I would learn nothing and I would not need God. My Lord has poured out so much mercy and grace on my life. Now it's time to get back on track.....which means asking Him to once again reign in my heart.

9 weeks

Visiting with Grampa at Christmas

Sawyer loves his Meemaw (Gramma)

Having fun with Aunt Molly

And so, my sweet Sawyer is 9 weeks old today. I can't believe how much he's grown, and I still can't believe I'm actually a mama. He had his 2 month appointment today, complete with shots and everything. He was 11 pounds 14 ounces, 23 inches. According to my doctor, he is in the 50 percentile, average, right in the middle. But he is far from average.

Of course he was administered his first shots today. I made Ryley come with to the appointment because I wasn't sure how I would do. I'm so glad he came...it was the first time Sawyer has actually cried. It was heartbreaking for me, as I'm sure any mother understands. Having never heard a true sad or hurt cry out of him, it was especially traumatic. To see real tears falling from his eyes. But Ryley was great, held Sawyer's hands and told him what a good boy he was.

He is sleeping through the night now. According to The Baby Book by Dr. William Sears, sleeping through the night by medical standards is 5 hours. I put Sawyer down for bed and he sleeps 8 hours, wakes up hungry and falls asleep by the end of his feeding, then sleeps another 2-3 hours. It's been that way for the last few weeks, and he's always been a good sleeper before that as well. I know, this can change depending on his development. But I am really enjoying it right now.

I find myself praying for him constantly throughout the day. I pray for his character, I pray that he will love the Lord with his whole heart. I pray that he will not suffer in this life unless it brings glory to God. I pray for his wife, that she will love him second only to God...and selfishly, that she will love me, too, so that I will still get to see my boy. Yes, I know, I'm getting ahead of myself a bit. But the Lord knows the worries of my heart and I'm thankful I can go to Him with my thoughts.

6 weeks old

Lounging around with Papa and watching some football.

Starting to resemble me a little bit! At first I think he looked so much like Ryley, but now it depends who's holding him...what do you think?

Napping after church.

Trying out yet another infant seat...Macy is always closeby, watching her boy.

Thank God for Little Boys

I have always thought it would be best for me to be a mother of boys. In analyzing my feelings, personality, and life perspectives, I have so many reasons why. Maybe it's because I was awful to my mother and so I am afraid of having a daughter...because what goes around, comes around, right? And while I do love looking pretty, expensive shampoos, and nice cosmetics, those who know me best would agree I am a tomboy by nature. I always dreamed of having sons and going to their football games. And fine, I'll admit it...the idea of having all sons seems like the perfect setting so I can be "queen of the castle."

So when God did a number on our plans for starting a family, I was sure I was done for. We were not able to choose the gender of the child we thought we'd adopt since we would be first-time parents, and almost all perspective adoptive families end up with a boy. Which was great for me. But the Lord planned for me to be pregnant, and I was sure (and terrified) that it would be a girl since He often changes everything with His plans.

In the weeks before I know the gender of our baby, I resolved that God's plans are always particularly amazing and perfect. So I had a peace about the baby girl I thought I would have.

Praise God for Sawyer. A perfect baby boy, just like I've always dreamed of. Sawyer is such a wonder, more beautiful than I ever thought a child could be. I know, I'm his mama so I'm inclined to think he's beautiful.

But look at him in his winter hat. Proof of why I'm so in love with this boy.

So in love that I dread the thought of being away from him for two hours to get a haircut.

And during this Christmas season, as I'm realizing what parenthood does to one's perspective, how it has changed my heart.....I am in awe of the miracle of my Savior's birth.

My Sweet Little Boy

Sawyer is 5 1/2 weeks old already, and time is absolutely flying by. These pictures were taken when he was 2 weeks old by an amazing friend of mine. He is such a sweet baby. He sleeps well at night and is very happy during the day, not fussy at all. Sometimes he gets into moods where he just squirms around a lot and squawks, but he's not into crying. Having a baby is a lot of work, but I didn't think a baby could be this mild mannered!

He has been smiling for a few weeks now, every day a little more. I can't even put into words how I feel about him and about life. I am just so in love and content being home with him.

The only thing I've been disappointed with is the fact that Ryley is still in the field and isn't home much. He sees him about twice a week (Sawyer and I are usually sleeping when he comes home and when he leaves again). Sundays are the only family day we get to have. It just makes me sad that I'm the only one who is witnessing every detail of the changes in Sawyer.

I already want him to stay little forever! He is such a blessing, and this time in my life is more amazing than I could have imagined.